Scottish Panto Season: Battle of the Dames

Do you like your chips with salt and sauce, or salt and vinegar? How about panto dames? Do you want one dame or two? Well, this Christmas, you can choose one or the other, or maybe even both, thanks to theatres in Edinburgh and Glasgow, which, confusingly, are both called the King’s Theatre. But which dame(s) are the best?

The King’s Theatre Edinburgh’s panto dame since 1997, Auntie May has starred in various pantos, from Mother Goose and Aladdin to this year’s offering, where she plays Dame Trot in the classic Jack and the Beanstalk. May describes it as “laughs, more laughs and more laughs…..oh, and a great story. Oh yes, and more laughs.”

The production also stars Andy Gray and Grant Stott, who Auntie May tells me is the one cast member most likely to win in a fight. “He was a big polis in his earlier life,” she purrs, “and he still has a very big baton.” May has sung, danced, been flown around the auditorium on a harness and had more costume changes than most people have had hot dinners. So, what gives her the edge over the competition?

 “Well,” she begins, “the thing is, the other panto dames are men dressed up as women. I’m a real woman…in fact, I’m a lady.”

This is certainly one thing which separates Auntie May from her rivals in the Weedge. She always carries a pack of Tena Ladies and a spare pair of pants in her handbag. She wears heels – she assures us, specifically, “Theresa May kitten heels. They are very today.” Despite taking fashion advice from the Prime Minister, who she just so happens to share a surname with, May is warm and fun and assures me that she has lots of costume changes planned. Sixteen, to be precise. “And that’s just in the first ten minutes.”

But unlike the Ugly Sisters, May is the lone dame treading the boards night after night. I ask her if she thinks that having two panto dames in one show is making up for something, but ever the diplomat, she says no.

“Two dames…do you have any idea of the price of tights? It will cost Glasgow a fortune.” 

The price of tights notwithstanding, we ask May if she thinks she's the best panto dame in Scotland. “Well, I wouldn’t say I’m the best but I’m the oldest…except for Gregor Fisher, who is 86.”

Meanwhile, in Glasgow, Fisher and partner-in-crime Tony Roper (or as they’re otherwise known, at least for the next few weeks, the “ugliest” panto dames in the country: Euphemia and Lavinia) are out for blood. But they're also in Cinderella at the King's Theatre, Glasgow.

“There are no other panto dames but us!” they shriek in unison, when we ask what they think of their contemporaries. But what about the King’s in Edinburgh, we counter. They’ve only got one Panto dame, do you think they’re worried that there are two of you? “They should be worried,” they whisper. We shudder.

The conversation moves to fashion, and when it comes to shoes, they tell me that they prefer flats, except “for the walk down”. They refuse to give me an exact number, but they say that they both have at least 12 costume changes lined up. And their handbags, they assure me, contain their absolute must-have items: “A can of ginger for Lavinia and a tub of Polyfilla... I mean, foundation for Euphemia!!”

But who would win in a fight between all three panto dames? Surprisingly, the Ugly Sisters seem to shy away from violence, admitting that it would be “handbags at twenty paces, but probably Auntie May as we’re not fighters.”

“Ok,” we counter as a last resort. “You’ve got two hours, a lost shoe, and four feet between you. Who tries on the shoe first, and how will you make it fit?”

“Come and see the show, you skinflint!” They shriek. 

We just might.

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Jack and the Beanstalk, King's Theatre Edinburgh until 15 Jan, £16-33
Cinderella, King's Theatre Glasgow until 8 Jan, £12-33