Drugs ARE for Kids…

This month should prove interesting for those lucky bastards out there who got their greasy goddamn mitts on Wii before the drought kicked in (all five or so of you. Did I mention you were bastards?). Super Paper Mario is coming, and it promises to provide more of a drug fuelled rampage than Fear and Loathing in casa del Scarface…

Previous incarnations of Paper Mario have been all about the '2D characters in a 3D world' shenanigans, which is still true here, though to more cryptic effect. This time playing largely as a platformer, our lil' plumbin' pal is on an emergency call-out to save Peach from a life of marital woe, as some drug addled freak tries to force her to tie the knot with Bowser, or something.

In the course of preventing this travesty, Mario and his crew must travel across eight worlds, curb stomping Goombas and solving puzzles with traditional decorum. There are however, two additions which stop SPM from being a Wii port of New Super Mario Bros. Firstly, on top of the standard platform action there is a somewhat stripped down version of the RPG elements taken from previous Paper games. Some may be disappointed by this (the 1000 year door was pretty darn good), but fret not younglings. If games have taught me anything, it's that beating the shit out of animals is a great way to gain experience, and Nintendo don't stray from this mantra. There's experience to be gained by chucking 'turtles' like there's no tomorrow and torching foes with you fiery dino breath. Of course, this being a Wii title, thrashing your arms around wildly and waving the wiimote will score you some bonus points, which are, naturally, used to level up. This increases your basic abilities, as well as each character's special ones: longer floating for Peach, fatter flames for Bowser etc.

Secondly, and more confusingly, Mario has the ability to change his perspective (presumably via mind altering substances, though I'm not sure). At any rate, he is able to change the 2D platform land whenever the urge takes him, for a limited time, until he starts to lose health (aka. overdose). In this altered state, the action becomes a vertical scroller (check the pics, that does make sense), allowing for some interesting puzzles. For example, in 3D, a previously impassable chasm can be crossed via the use of elements that were once in the background. Essentially, this allows for a whole new dimension (sorry) of game play, whilst not strictly being a 3D platformer.

As well as all the perception altering madness, there are other flavours of fun to be utilised in your quest to, erm… (I've forgotton what we were doing here…). Anyway, to help you along, you can switch between characters on the fly and abuse their special abilities: use Bowser's bad breath for extra damage, or Peach's peaches should the urge take you. Couple this with a new take on the power-ups - flowers alter time; stars pump you up 8-bit stylee, allowing for some level-trashing action (these drugs are cool) and a pill which, upon consumption, awakens a dozen or so mini Mario-pixies who will attack whatever - normally inanimate object - is bearing down on you at that time.

My train of thought has derailed somewhat over the course of scribing this piece. I was going to say something about drugs developers, Jack Thompson, the banning of games, yadda yadda. I'm not so sure I can now. The prospect of Super Paper Mario has me confused and craving. Is this a good thing? Perhaps. Do I really care about kids and drugs? No. Will I care when a drugged-up youth starts stomping on my head in a towering fit of Mario based rage? I expect so, but I can always eat some stars and storm off into the horizon myself...