The Art of Sending Nudes: A Guide
Uni + alcohol + Snapchat = nudes. Here's Deviance's guide to baring it all without accidentally ruining your life
Taking the perfect nude is hard work, and an under-appreciated art form. The meteoric rise in popularity and spread of cyber-nudes is a credit to millennials – my own pictures have had a reach of three continents, which I attribute to both vanity and industriousness. I treat my nudes like the artwork that they are; I’ve even been known to give workshops in how to take the perfect birthday-suit selfie.
While sending naked portraits to romantic interests is by no means new, it’s easier than ever to do so thanks to the likes of Snapchat. Combine digital developments with the unlimited privacy, casual sex-positivity and alcohol to be found at uni and it’s no wonder we’re all photographing our arses for one another 24/7.
Though they are a wonderful tool in LDRs, for treating trustworthy sex-pals and generally for encouraging body positivity, our enthusiasm for taking nudes has, unfortunately eclipsed our wisdom. But fret no more, fresher. I’m here to demystify the world of nude-sending in the hope that I can change the lives of horny smartphone-owners around the globe.
Do I need consent?
Er, yes. No matter how lovely you think your genitals are, it is not fair and not legal to force someone else to look at them. Furthermore, never allow some prick to pressure you into taking a naked photo, because a) that’s bullshit behaviour and b) a nude is at its best when it is taken out of pure pride and vanity.
Can I show my friends nudes I’ve been sent?
Be respectful with nudes you receive in case they become famous and you create a sticky situation with their future PR team. Unless of course you’re operating under a fruitful agreement like my boyfriend and I, who lets me flaunt his nudes to my friends out of communal pride for that smoking body.
Will this come back to haunt me when I’m rich and famous?
While it’s abundantly clear that Snapchat’s primary function is to spread consequence-free snaps of your nips, the dreaded screenshot somewhat clips your wings.
A well-founded fear is of exposure; every time I’ve made the rookie error of firing off a picture which includes my face the question looms. Nude-leaking is very much a possibility, and a consequence to consider seriously. Hopefully legislation will change and these vengeful, pervy bastards will be brought to justice. In the meantime, remember this is you at your most confident, in your young and sexy prime. But the point remains, guys and gals: NEVER. INCLUDE. YOUR. FACE.
What if my nudes affect future relationships?
Good question. Should your new partners be aware that X number of picture recipients have seen your perfectly illuminated butt? Short answer: no, you don’t need to tell anyone about what you did with another consenting adult. Anyone who tries to shame you for past exploits is not worth your time.
Is it ever OK to recycle nudes?
Occasionally when you have unveiled yourself as a sexual being, recipients can become demanding as you are expected to be perpetually horny and willing to deliver explicit goods. It’s boring and difficult to bang out sexy pictures on command; feel free to archive and repurpose your best nudes. They are your intellectual property and you are not a machine.
Should I feel guilty about using a filter?
Often there’s an element of guilt in sending flatteringly orchestrated body pictures. I’ve occasionally wondered whether it counts as catfishing to send pictures of my bum living its best life (it only looks quite that perky if I lie on my side and practically fold in half, which is not a posture I’m prepared to maintain).
The best response to this is that that is your body and in that moment, at that angle, it really did look that good.