A Freshers' Guide to One Night Stands
Deviance picks the brains of sex blogger Cheryl Kaye (HornyGeekGirl), The Vagenda co-founder / editor Holly Baxter and our own faithful contributors to bring you a (sorta) comprehensive guide to no-strings boning. YOU ARE WELCOME.
Without relegating your freshers’ experience to a montage off The Inbetweeners, it’s very likely that for many people, a move out of the family home and into the condom-littered world of halls means but one thing: a foray into the world of one night stands. And because we live in the most ridiculously prudish and conservative island under the sun, it seems nobody has a fucking clue how to have a one-offer safely, successfully and somewhat sexily. Let’s talk about this.
Establish a code
A simple mutual move between you and your crowd. Flash them a sly thumbs up / air punch / robocop to let them know you’re keen on the person you’re with. Then, wait. If they’re good mates, they’ll let you know if you’re looking slightly too tequila-soaked to go home with someone and drag you away to dance to M.I.A. Paper Planes. Again.
Costume parties: both friend and foe
Yes, roughly 87% of freshers’ nights out are themed and sure, costumes are ice-breakers. But it’s worth factoring in whether your outfit’s going to be a bearable state-of-affairs the next morning as you saunter home. Slut-shaming can GTFO, but take it from someone who was once forced to walk through the most open plan and highly populated part of uni dressed as ‘Buzzfeed’ the day after Hallowe’en (complete with handmade ‘FAIL!’ signs) – just think about it.
Pick the shag-tracks wisely. Do not leave this to fate with an untested Spotify playlist; you’ll only find yourself getting down to some obscure Justin Timberlake throwback. Nobody wants that. Not even Justin Timberlake. We asked HornyGeekGirl (Sex Blogger and protegé of Girl On The Net) for recommendations, and she’s of the opinion that rock and metal is a winner; “the louder stuff can be good for drowning out sex sounds if you're worried about being overheard by people. Jazz can be really good for changing up rhythms during oral sex.”
Dealing with feelings
We asked co-founder of The Vagenda Holly Baxter for one piece of advice she wishes she could have heard before embarking on her Freshers' experience. Her response is likely to chime with the sentiments of many grad, meaning you should listen up, devour this nugget of wisdom and put it to use ASAP if you're to become the happy uni shagger that you truly deserve to be: "I would tell myself to see my emotions as valid.
"That doesn’t mean you should be controlled by them, but I spent a lot of time at university and in my twenties talking myself into downplaying my emotions about sex or sexual partners. I wish I’d been more confident about my emotions sooner. If you’re too afraid to disclose that you’re attached to someone – or that you aren’t, and you don’t see a sexual relationship as going any further – then that person doesn’t belong in your bed."
Down to your kegs but not sure whether your co-pilot’s into it? Check out their body language. Are they reciprocating the intimacy? "The other person needs to be responding to you positively at all times" Cheryl explains. "When you speak they should be turning towards you, if you touch them they shouldn't pull away. If you lean in to kiss them they should meet you halfway, not lean away. If there is any doubt or indication that they are not interested, then ask. Say it straight, "I would like to take you home and have sex, would you be interested in that?" If they're interested the clear declaration of sexual attraction can be really hot."
Equally, if they're wasted, chanting Flo Rida at you while losing consciousness, or letting you know they’d like you to stop? Make sure they’re safe, happy and let them sleep. Maybe even make them a cuppa.
Changing your mind
Down to your kegs and realised you’re not into it? That’s totally cool. Your clothes are right there, just pop ‘em back on, give a hearty salute and head home to sleep off your hangover. It’s your body and you can pull down the shutters whenever you damn please. To quote Cheryl, you don't owe the other person anything. At all. Seriously.
Shake off the slutshamers
It’s back over to Holly for this one: “Gossip can be vicious, there’s no doubt about that, and I think it has to be a real effort of personality to overcome it and be unashamedly who you are. I think one of the most powerful things I was ever told was that if someone asks you a question you know they want to know for gossipy reasons, just smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’ That immediately puts them on the back foot and exposes them for the gossip-monger they are...
"Above all, remember university isn’t forever – and halls are for even less time. Branch out into extracurricular activities if you need a break from a claustrophobic environment – and always remember that you can lock the door, turn off your phone and lie in bed with a Pot Noodle and Friends reruns on your laptop if it all gets too much. I used to do this at least once a month.” Hear, hear.