Passing time

The issue of 'passing' affects every trans person at some point. It means the practice of slipping under the trans radar and being able to go about your daily business without anyone ever guessing you were born the opposite sex. Some people pass better than others: some don't pass at all, and some can fool even a doctor. But the big question is - why would we want to fool anyone? Why would we want to pass, and have something that is so fundamental to who we are hidden from the world? As transexuals, where is our pride?

A trans person's early life is often a difficult time, as they struggle to deal with the fact that their mind and body don't match up. Once surgery and hormone therapy have helped to rectify this imbalance, many people would rather just get on with their lives, and don't want to be reminded every day about their 'situation'. Personally, I wanted to forget all about it after I had surgery. I had spent so long trapped in a half-life, constantly wondering "why me?" and cursing the unfairness of it all. I felt as if so much of my life had been wasted, and I wanted to move on as a new person. Gradually I started to grow into myself, and finally I was passing most of the time. But every time someone guessed, it felt like a slap in the face. In effect what they were saying was, "You are not one of us. I know your biggest secret, and I know it just by looking at you. You can't hide it from me." Despite my best efforts, I knew my disguise was imperfect.

Because passing is a tricky business. In Lou Reed's classic song, all Holly had to do was "shave her legs, then he was a she", but sadly, it's seldom that easy. There are four areas you need to address in order to pass:

1. Appearance. The first thing you need to sort out is how you look. There are several characteristics which could give you away. Facial hair is a tough one, both hiding it and faking it. MTFs often have a larger build, especially in the extremities. You have quite a lot of give with this one though - I was nick-named "man hands" by my colleagues, and none of them knew the irony.

2. Gait. This one's a tricky one. It's a fact that in general men and women carry themselves differently: the way they walk, the way they stand, what they do with their hands. Such small, throwaway movements can throw a flag up even if you're giving off no other clues.

3. Vocal. Men's voices break. Women's don't. A woman speaking in a deep voice does not sound like a man, and the most beautiful, petite girl in the world can give herself away with a single gravelly snarl. FTMs have the advantage that their voices will drop with hormone therapy. For MTFs, speech therapy helps; there are ways of manipulating your voice to feminise it. Depth isn't necessarily the issue, it's intonation that matters. If you were to hear the voice of Deirdre from Coronation Street, you would know she is a woman, despite her rasping tenor.

4. Back story. When I first transitioned, my doctor told me I had two choices: either come clean with everyone I meet, or invent a back story and stick to it. Despite my youthful bravado and my outrage at the prospect of hiding who I really was, it was a lot easier to do the latter and simply invent who I had been. Sometimes I would borrow stories that I had heard from friends, sometimes I would just out and out lie about an idyllic childhood as a darling little girl, the apple of her daddy's eye. As I got older, I couldn't bear to keep lying, but I still had no wish to come clean, so I learned to talk about my past in a very roundabout way without using any pronouns. My girlfriend recently pointed out that I'm so used to it I do it without thinking, even when talking to her.

Despite my handy guide, however, passing is a luxury that some do not have, which makes them no less trans, and no less people. The lack of successful, accepted, out trans role models means that trans pride is a tricky thing. It's different to gay pride - I quite like being gay, and would do it all over again in the next life, given the choice. But I certainly would have preferred not to have to change my name and my whole identity and go through painful surgery. Trouble is, I don't have another life to plan, I only have this one, and in this one I am a trans woman. I pass; it's been a long time since anyone read me as trans. But if they did, surely I should have the strength to stand up straight, and be proud: "I am glad you recognised that I am trans because I would hate for you to think I wasn't."

Easy words to say. Until I am strong enough to say them, I'm glad I pass.