Straight as Folk

I felt a little uneasy in queer spaces with this new realisation that I'm a screaming heterosexual

Feature by Alma Cork | 12 Dec 2006

You hear the line every now and again: gender and sexuality aren't the same thing. This isn't about sex. It's about what's in between our ears, not our legs. Which doesn't really allow room for me to say that I once threw myself, vodka-sodden and horny as hell, at a guy who gave me just the right type of 'fancy a fuck?' eyes. Or that this led to my own sense of gender solidifying that extra notch - that I felt comfortable and in control of my own skin for what seemed to be the first time. And is it weird that at around this point a realisation hit me that, hell, I might be straight?

Up until then I'd tentatively identified as bisexual. I'd also started to become slightly more actively engaged in the queer community and this had helped me develop my sexual and trans identity. The LGBT community had given me somewhere safe to figure myself out and a label to cling to. I was queer, and that was pretty goddamn special. However, as I stripped off and rolled about with this man I was discovering how heterosexual I was. I was not only discovering it, but it was picking me up and defining itself all over my body in wonderfully pleasing ways. I had to try to assimilate that important realisation with my queer identity, because I suddenly found myself hungry for both.

I found myself craving the straight scene because of the allure of getting some action. I craved the queer scene because I could be open about my transsexuality and talk freely about issues important to me. Plus, I figured, I might also meet a nice bisexual boy to get off with and thus score on all fronts. Besides, no matter how much I crave boys my sexual identity, through simply being trans, often winds up being unique in straight environments. Let's face it, most heterosexual people don't worry about disclosing details surrounding their ongoing gender reassignment before they hook up for some action. This isn't to say that it's impossible to interact in the straight world, but it can still be very difficult to navigate. Still, I felt a little uneasy and out of place in queer spaces all of a sudden with this realisation that I'm a screaming heterosexual.

To be honest, even realising that I have a sexuality is a new thing for me. Sure, I can talk about sex and relationships. I've realised that just because I'm trans and I like orgasms and I want to get laid doesn't mean I'm a pervert. But I don't have a lot of hands-on experience of actually, well, being sexual. I'm twenty-nine years old and I've had about two or three short relationships that all happened in my late teens. In the past, my sexuality didn't quite fit the way I felt it should, and disinterest seemed to work better. Now, though, I've found it and it fits and, even though it can be difficult, I feel determined to embrace it and be open about it.

Okay, so here is the main problem: I want to feel proud of my straightness. Being open about being sexually active as a trans woman, even though I might not be as active as I like, is a personal breakthrough. It's exciting and I want to explore it, but it doesn't always mesh well with queer spaces. I end up feeling oddly on the fringe when I do, yet I still feel connected to queer people and, more importantly, I still feel I need the safety, understanding and friendship of being among them. Being straight makes me feel awkward in queer bars, just as being transsexual makes me feel awkward in straight spaces, but I still need to take part in and gain recognition from both. Is that greedy?