How Not To Be A Rapist 101 – What is Rape?

I woke up last weekend with a young lady in my bed, who I recalled meeting and getting on with very well the previous night. Then before I knew it my memories descended into the blurred uncertainty that follows one too many whiskeys. The hazy recollection of sex was confirmed by the discovery of used condoms, some of which had actually made it all the way to the bin.

At this point, as unusual as it might sound, I started to worry – at least until I gently woke her, and we pieced together the events of the night before. I worry in these kinds of situation because consent is such a tricky issue, and put quite simply – I don’t want to be a rapist.

When is something a one night stand and when is it date rape? When is a kink scene consensual non-consent, and when is it sexual assault? Sometimes it can be far from simple to figure out. So how do we figure out how not to be rapists?

Let’s start with something that should be common sense; no means no. That is not something up for debate, it is a simple matter of fact. If you have sex with someone when they’ve said they don’t want to, then that is rape and you have become a rapist.

Why do I have to make it clear that a non-consensual sex act is rape? Well, unfortunately, the meaning of the word is frequently clouded and we often seem reluctant to even use the term. You yourself might have had some kind of negative response to my use of the word – I’ve seen people physically leap at the mention of rape, as though I’d just shouted abuse at them. It has a great deal of power, and there are so many people who refuse to call it what it is out of fear of that power.

Some people actually believe that if you have consented to sex in the relationship then anything that goes on after that first consent is fine. That’s just the kind of logic used by rapists. Consent for sex can be withdrawn, just like consent for anything else. So if you take someone home from a night out and they say they don’t want to have sex; that’s absolutely within their rights, and you have to respect that. Even if you get into bed, have some fun, and they ask you to stop at a certain point – then you must. I can’t stress that enough.

We have this idea that rape is exclusively something a stranger does to a scantily clad woman in a dark alleyway. This can make it difficult for survivors to call out rapists for what they’ve done. It’s hard to admit that your partner, family member or trusted friend has done this horrendous thing to you that is only ‘meant’ to happen to ‘slutty’ women, and is only ‘meant’ to be committed by horrible perverts.

I’m assuming that you don’t want to be a rapist, so when it comes to sex you should use your ears and act on what you hear. Unless you happen to be deaf, in which case you should pay plenty of attention to what people are signing.