XFM Column

With a showdown against Italy on 17 Nov holding things in the balance, what a journey it's been for Scotland through the qualifying stages of Euro 2008. Very few of us will ever forget what we were doing when James McFadden unleashed that beauty in Paris. I certainly won't – I was stood on Sauchiehall Street smoking a fag. As a long term sufferer of poor Scottish football performances, plucky draws and glorious defeats, I am over the moon at the turnaround in Scottish football. But I'm secretly dreading that we might actually qualify – because that would mean a song for Europe.

For a nation of 5 million, I'd say we do well to produce 11 men capable of representing us on the football field. If only the same were true of embarrassing musicians. Yes, if we had to pick a squad of downright average musicians to ride the Scotland bandwagon we'd be fine. The starting eleven almost picks itself.

Stewart. Reid. Reid. McManus. Munro. Ross. Nutini. Browne. McDonald. McDonald. Danesh.

They'd all be tripping over their tartan scarves to get involved in the official Scotland song. Rod Stewart? A man who looks like a scarecrow, and isn't even Scottish. The Proclaimers? They scare me. Let's face it; there was a Charlie or a Craig at every school in Scotland. They were nicknamed ChooChoo and collected dead things. Ronnie Browne – the bloke from the Corries that performs Flower of Scotland at home games in the style of an embarrassingly drunken uncle at an alcoholic's wedding. None of these people fill me with confidence that our 'national' song would be anything less than appalling.

If and - I hope - when we get to Austria and Switzerland, let's leave the fey, overly patriotic stuff behind in the same cupboard Bertie Voghts lives in. Stick Runrig, Deacon Blue and those blokes off X Factor in a cell and make them eat the key. Let's get a really good anthem written and recorded to inspire us properly. I'm all in favour of the Fratellis drummer setting up a supergroup – perhaps Mince and the Tatties – featuring the 1990s, the Dykeenies, Figure 5, Shirley Manson and the one out of Coldplay that comes from Fife.

It needs a bit of work, but it could save us from another dirge like Del Amitri's Don't Come Home too Soon from '98. And let's learn lessons from other countries – under no circumstances should any of our players try rapping.