A farewell to Take A Worm For A Walk Week @ Stereo, 5 April

It is the bell-end of an era. Tonight at Stereo we witness the final demented howl of Glasgow’s monstrous Take A Worm For A Walk Week. We, the audience, should be lamenting the loss of this band, the country’s finest proponents of… what the fuck d’you call it? Sex Pest Metal? Cuntcore? But nobody here is sad. It’s difficult to feel sad when the stage is littered with large, brown jobby piñatas and fat, turgid dick-shaped shakers. Aye, you heard me. Fat, turgid dick-shaped shakers.

However, to focus on the props would do a disservice to one of the tightest, most thrilling performances I’ve ever witnessed. Messrs Quimby, Docherty and Scott each have an HNC in metalwork. Maybe even an HND. Mr Liddell has an NQ in being a weirdo and I’ve heard Joe Q got his Standard Grade in PE, but decided to pursue other things. I’m very glad he did.

He’s a brilliant frontman for this brutal racket, and it’s virtually impossible to take your eyes off him (I really fancy you Joe…  How’bout it?). The whole show is akin to a proud, rippling, tin penis trying to force itself into the least accommodating orifice available, and it’s just brilliant. Only thing is, it was the band’s final wish that I give the show 0/5 [this website won't go lower than 1, and since when the hell did bands dictate how many stars their own show gets, eh? - ed], so don’t give me any shit for this. It’s the way they wanted it.