The Skinny Q&A: Pictish Trail

Johnny Lynch, aka Pictish Trail, gives us the skinny on his first celebrity crush, who would play him in a rom-com and who he'd like to arm wrestle

Feature by Johnny Lynch | 11 Feb 2020
  • Pictish Trail

What’s your favourite place to visit? 

Any pub where they sell Williams Bros. beer, and my friends are there.

Favourite food?

Pizza. My standards are so low, it can literally be any kind – just so long as it is accompanied by a hot sauce, a chipotle mayonnaise dip, and a cold beer.

Favourite colour?

Lime green. It’s always the best tasting sweetie. 

Who was your hero growing up?

I remember being ten years old, staying up way past bedtime, flicking through the channels and discovering Vic Reeves’ Big Night Out. I’ve been obsessed with everything he’s done since.

Whose work inspires you now?

As corny as it sounds, all the artists whose music we’ve released on Lost Map. I’m lucky I get to surround myself in their worlds.

What three people would you invite to your dinner party and what are you cooking?

Vic Reeves, Jessica Hynes and Missy Elliott. I cook a decent curry, but I’m more likely to serve up an elaborate macaroni cheese, with bacon and onion, and a good dollop of wholegrain mustard.

What’s your all time favourite album?

It changes constantly, but today my mind went immediately to The Campfire Headphase by Boards of Canada.

What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen?

I walked out halfway through the sequel to The Blair Witch Project. So, I guess that’s the worst film I’ve not seen.

What book would you take to a desert island?

For the sake of sheer comfort, I’d probably take an anthology by Douglas Adams. It’s been decades since I’ve read any of that stuff, I think the stranded me would want to revert to my teenage self.

Who’s the worst?

In my head, it’s usually myself. But then I remember Piers Morgan exists.

When did you last cry?

About a week ago, watching Callum Easter singing. I felt a rush of pride, relief and happiness. Was the first time I’d felt properly relaxed in a long time.

What are you most scared of?

My loved ones feeling scared.

When did you last vomit?

I’m kinda proud that I don’t remember. Oh wait, probably at some Hogmanay party in the last few years, up at the Ceilidh Hall on Eigg.

Tell us a secret?

No one really knows what they are doing, and anyone who says that they do is a psychopath.

Which celebrity could you take in a fight?

I’m a lover, not a fighter. But I’d really like to arm wrestle Karren Brady from The Apprentice, the sexy Tory-cow that she is.

If you could be reincarnated as an animal, which animal would it be?

Maybe an elephant. I’d finally not be so concerned about my weight.

In keeping with our theme of love this month, who was your first celebrity crush?

Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years. A quick Google of Danica McKellar has just reignited this crush. (With the older, modern day Danica – I’m not a paedo).

Who would play you in a rom-com about your life and what would it be called?

Oh God. I think Tim Key could do a convincing job. Maybe it could be called #PictishFail, and each episode is about my slapstick musical career, playing ill-attended shows in run down arts centres, and avoiding the advances of desperate middle-aged men and women from provincial Britain.

What are you doing on Valentine’s Day?

Hopefully I’ll be at home with the family, we’ll be making dinner together, and listening to music.

What’s your favourite love song?

You Can Have It All, the version recorded by Yo La Tengo. It’s beautiful.

Pictish Trail's new album, Thumb World, is out on 21 Feb via Fire Records
Pictish Trail plays Beat Generator Live!, Dundee, 10 Apr; The Queen's Hall, Edinburgh, 11 Apr; The Lemon Tree, Aberdeen, 12 Apr