Fresh Air

Fresh Air is going to take over the world. Now you know the plan, you must die. But first, in the well-worn megalomaniac tradition, let us reveal to you the details, before they kill you. You thought Fresh Air was some pansy-assed student rubbish broadcast for 20 yards around Calton Hill once a winter, didn't you? You thought Fresh Air held parties, like Club Together and Fresh Air Live, which were thoroughly awesome and didn't happen often enough, didn't you? And you'd never heard of Fresh Air because you stay in Glasgow, don't you? Well things have changed, there's a new kid on the block. Laughing Lynsey Paterson is the boss now, she unveiled her devious masterplan to The Skinny from her swivel-chair, stroking her chin and laughing, menacingly. And occasionally propelling herself across the floor – "weeeeeeee!".

"OK- so firstly I'd like to point out, we wanted to do a month long FM broadcast in February, similar to what we did last year, but because of a new commercial station launching in Edinburgh, OfCom won't grant any licences around the same time. We're a student station so our broadcast dates are dominated by uni term times, and we decided that if we couldn't do an FM broadcast for one month, we'd go online for two! Mwuhahaha!"
Charming. So is this a good thing? "It's slightly disappointing not to be able to go on FM, I was looking forward to an FM broadcast as much as anyone, simply because of the buzz surrounding it - but on the positive side, it's the first time Fresh Air has ever broadcast for longer than a month, which is very exciting! Also, almost everyone has at least dial-up internet access these days, so it's great that we can build a listener base world-wide through the net. Weeeeeeee!"

Build a base, exactly, with a video-wall, and a balcony overlooking banks of computers, and radars and satellites and armed guards. The picture is coming together nicely, don't you think? "Yeah it's brilliant, everyone's been dead positive and thrown themselves into preparing for the broadcast, and I think it's good for them that they get two months' worth of shows rather than just one, it means members have got more shows in which to hone their skills, so the standard of presenting will be even higher than usual. It's really difficult when you only broadcast for a month to raise awareness of the station - usually the number of listeners increases weekly, so I'm hoping that this year we'll see an all-time high."

It was pointed out to Lynsey that awareness of the station would be increased if it weren't hidden in an underground lair on a remote microphone-shaped island. She laughed, of course, and denied everything. It's OK, we know. She continued her well-rehearsed PR spiel – "Our programming schedule is completely diverse - I mean, where else would you find hip-hop, indie, experimental noise, house, trance, rock, chart, funk, punk, jazz, world music, and disco all on the same station?." All on the video-wall, no doubt. "We put 100% into every single show. In terms of student radio, I think our team spirit and hard work sets us apart from other stations, and in terms of competing with other local stations, we fill the niches they may not reach."

This was becoming a confusing allegory. Why would all that music be on a video-wall? And how does Fresh Air fill niches? "I can't wait to hear the Vegas club show (Saturdays 2pm-3.30pm), although I'm on after them, so I feel like I'll need to go in for my show all glammed up Vegas style! Also, the Brash Gordon show will be concentrating on film soundtracks and local bands, which I think will be an interesting concept for a show. That's on Tuesday nights from 7-8.30pm. Judging by today's show, Daddy Cool is a great one to look out for on Thursdays, 3.30pm. I also have to mention The Ear Doctor on Fridays, 12.30pm, looking forward to hearing that, the demo was particularly amusing."

It no longer made any sense. Why would Laughing Lynsey need an Ear Doctor? Why would a student radio station need a video wall and armed guards? And why would Chewbacca live with the Ewoks instead of with other Wookies? Lynsey stopped laughing, her finger poised over an ominous red button. I'm sliding outta here – weeeeeeeeeee!