Taking the 'Casual' Out of Sex

When you think that only a hundred years ago, coming to the dinner table without your cravat was considered a little indecent, you can see the British have really loosened up. These days you can have sex with someone once and no one will force you to marry. Hurrah! We're more tolerant and more informed and less likely to swoon if we see someone's ankle. ‘Casual’ sex is the norm; it's fairly unusual to meet a single person who states categorically that they don't have one-night stands. But has this casual attitude towards sex improved our relationship with it? Are we having better sex? Are we communicating better about it? Or are we just having it hammered into our consciousness, day in, day out, that we ought to be shagging?

I don't have a problem with one-night stands. They can be fun. But there was a period when I was 18 or so when I would sleep with just about anyone with a pulse. I slept with strangers, friends, my ex boyfriends, your ex boyfriends... I would have shagged your dad if he was hot. (Is he hot? Forget it, I'm over that now.) I don't like the idea of all the dewy-eyed fresh-faced teenagers out there stumbling over their sexuality and kicking it around the way I did.

I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I didn't know what I liked, or what I thought about it. I got pleasure from it, I guess, but it was mostly the pleasure of being found attractive rather than any pleasure intrinsic to sex itself. Sure, I liked that someone wanted to sleep with me, but in retrospect I would have been happier with compliments and a cuddle. 

Now I know what I like and how I feel about sex: I love it. But as with everything else, it takes time to learn. It's not always easy to talk about what you like in bed, especially with a stranger... And what are the chances of you both guessing each other's preferences straight off? One-night stands often include a fair amount of fumbling, eye rolling, and all round British discomfort. If I can do a better job myself, why put up with some sweaty, snoring stranger hogging my duvet?

I'm not saying everyone is as awkward as I am. I'm sure there are lots of confident people out there enjoying sex with or without emotional attachment. But if there are also people reading who haven't quite figured out how they feel about it yet, let me say this: 

Almost all the sex I had back in my aforementioned period of... er... experimentation, wasn't that great. In fact I had a pretty miserable time. I hadn't realised that sex is an intimate thing. And whatever your feelings, or lack thereof, for the person you're boinking, you are sharing yourself with them physically. I value myself and my body pretty highly, and I hope you do too... which makes sex a significant act.

I was treating sex as if it was the same as passing someone the ketchup, and that made me feel sad. I didn't want a relationship with any of these people (God forbid!) but I needed some acknowledgement of myself beyond my body, and some acknowledgement of the intimacy of the thing. The one-night stands I've enjoyed have been the ones where I felt we both understood and cared for each other... and it's rare to click with a stranger that way.

I'm not saying you should want to have deep, meaningful relationships with everyone you get sweaty with (although if you do, that's OK!). But having fart-arsed around for so long, I know this about myself: sex is a big deal for me. I don't take it lightly. So I can have one-night stands and enjoy them, but only if I feel I connect with the person I'm taking home. Rubbing groins with some random might scratch the itch, but ultimately it leaves me feeling lonely. 

You might be different. You might be happy with a warm body for the night, and that's great. Whatever consenting adults do together is fine by me and I don't think people need morality rammed down their throats.

Just... maybe don't treat sex as if it's no more significant than playing tennis. After all, if what you're looking for is to perspire all over a stranger, you can go to the gym. 

It's not fashionable just now to talk about sex being intimate, but it is. And it can be meaningful. If I can choose between getting my rocks off with some dude about whom I know nothing and couldn't care less, or waiting until I meet someone I really like, then I'm going home alone and waking up in the morning with hand cramp.