Love Bites: To Friendships That Stay

This month's columnist reflects on old friends, changing relationships, and sharing a past and a future

Feature by Josephine Jay | 28 Jul 2022
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Divergence of friendships in one's 20s is a weird thing. I look at my friends and wonder whether, if we met now, we’d still become friends? I have friendships which have spanned decades and continents and these are the ones I value most. It’s funny to see photos of us at 14, squashed into the same garish uniform, and then to look at the different women we have become. Some are getting married with mortgages and some are feeling things out as they go. 

I hate making friends as an adult; I feel as though I’ve forgotten how to connect. It feels awkward – like dating; an awful lot of leg-work to reach a place where you can both be comfortable in silence. The intimacy of time actively spent not talking comes through an accumulation of years: hard won and difficult to replicate. 

My friend, Hester, once said something along the lines of, "Friends are just people in the same place at the same time," and I remember feeling hurt at the idea that our friendship had grown merely from forced proximity. In some instances, this is true – quite often people come and go. However, many of the friendships I’ve carried from childhood have withstood these tests of time and distance. 

The comfort and familiarity of placing someone in the context of their upbringing and childhood is a wonderful thing. I know all the quirks of my childhood friends' families, what the inside of their house looks like and what red streaks they wore in their hair aged 12. I also know I plan to be a feature in their lives for the foreseeable future. Indeed, good luck getting rid of me: I plan to grow old with them, cheating at bingo with them at 90 and growing old disgracefully.


Josephine Jay is co-author of Whatever Next?: On Adult Adoptee Identities, out in August via 404 Ink

Josephine is featured on The Skinny's Inklings event with Katie Goh, Arusa Qureshi and Anahit Behrooz, 19 Aug, CodeBase – free tickets via Eventbrite