Ask Anahit: Toxicity in Tiny Towns
In this month's agony aunt column, one person asks how to cut out toxic people in a city where everyone seems to know everyone
Moving back to Edinburgh from London made me realise how small it is here. Because of how small it is, everyone seems to know each other’s business, and it can be quite easy to ignore and forgive bad behaviour by people in larger social circles. How do you go about cutting out toxic people from your life?
Yeah I mean, you’re right. Edinburgh is a city of like 12 people. I could tell you stories. I have been in the TRENCHES. We need to start shipping people in.
I feel you’re asking two different questions here. Inevitably, everyone knows everyone in this godforsaken city and that can make it hard to not feel like you’re in a reboot of your worst high school years, but that doesn’t mean you have to hang out with people you don’t like. In large social groups, politely but firmly moving away from people, or making it clear to your very close friends that you don’t like these people so that you emanate a silent bat signal for help at all times is fine – in fact, I would say it’s kind of life, which is an ongoing process of navigating community rather than highly and deliberately curated friend groups.
I do think there is an underlying question, or tension, at play here though, which is that a city this small allows for this kind of knowledge in a way that is maybe not natural. Not to go full-out Genesis (the book not the band) but maybe knowing this much information about people is bad actually – perhaps you were hanging out with the same kind of people in London, but just weren’t aware of every detail of their insane and complicated little lives. I guess what I’m moving towards here is a kind of grace (which is very rich of me given my best friend and I once made a detailed and comprehensive shit list on my quirky blackboard wall) within reason (do not use this advice to excuse child murderers and people who don't like Anne Hathaway). Are these people really toxic? Or do we all just behave badly sometimes? This maybe sounds more profound than it actually is, but I do think it’s worth considering x