Ask Anahit: Student Special

My friends keep bringing their partners to everything we do – I like their partners, but sometimes I want to spend time with just my friends. How to politely tell them to stop?! 

I have almost certainly answered some variant of this question before, but I’m going to answer it again because people simply will not stop bringing their partners everywhere and it simply does not stop being annoying.

Admittedly, we shouldn’t silo romantic relationships to one side – it’s a surefire way for people to become isolated in nuclear clusters, and, selfishly, it's likely to make them even more joined at the hip and irritating to be around. I also think the ways that hangouts in Western cultures happen in carefully curated, invite-only structures isn’t really representative of life or community: people just coming along and vibing is an art we have lost and need to revitalise.

That being said, Jesus, leave your boyfriend in his crate once in a while. If it really is an incessant thing, you’re more than justified to bring it up with your friends. It doesn’t have to be confrontational: rather than disinviting their partners, maybe you could talk about ways of spending time together that would be unique to your relationship, seeing this as an opportunity to generate new rather than limit existing intimacies. And if they point blank refuse, well. Accept the change that is taking place in your friendship or, better yet, identify someone they find really aggravating and start bringing them to everything too x

My partner’s flatmates are terrible. They’re annoying, they’re loud, and they’re always there. The problem – their flat is a lot nicer than mine, in a better location, so *we’re* always there. What should I doooo?!?

I think you maybe know the answer to this and you just don’t want to admit it to yourself, but the answer is to hang out in your dingy faraway flat and have a nice time.

Listen, people have every right  – and it upsets me too! – to be annoying and loud and present in their own home. Short of staging a coup and changing the locks – and to be honest, far be it for me to discourage terrible ideas and chaotic impulses – you can’t really do much here. Unless they’re behaving particularly rudely or offensively towards you or others around you, it truly is what it is. You can’t control someone just being bad vibes: that’s their god-given right as a citizen on this earth. 

What you can do is have a chat with your partner. Can you explain that their flatmates make you feel uncomfortable, and you’d rather tolerate the discomfort of your smaller flat and longer commute than their terrible energy? Can you explain that you’d like your partner to maybe make the sacrifice (said small flat, said long commute) to alleviate your discomfort? It kind of depends to what extent these are flatmates or friends as to what you can ask for, but I do think if you don’t love hanging out there, it’s only fair to sometimes hang out elsewhere. I really hope they (the partner, not the flatmates) can meet you where you’re at. 

I have a silly little crush on my tutor. Actually, that’s a lie. It may be silly but it’s definitely not little. In fact, I feel like I’m going insane. Why is this happening and what should I do?

Why is this happening? Because, unfortunately, some of us have it deep wired in our brains that people in charge – generally of everything but especially of us – are sexy and exciting. They… know more than you? But they’ll tell you about it? And they’ll determine whether you did a good job of now knowing the things they know? Like, that’s hot! This crush is basically that meme about the girlie who has a praise kink and the guy just rocks up with a sheet of gold stars. Truly, what says ‘good girl’ more than someone telling you that your critical framework was well-researched and thorough?

What should you do? Lmao absolutely fucking nothing. This crush exists as a fantasy, a response to an idea of a power dynamic, and while that is so nice and fun for you, it will be categorically zero nice and fun if it’s dragged outside of the remits of fantasy and into the realm of, oh yeah, exploitation. Best case scenario, you make a move and are appropriately and embarrassingly rebuffed. Worst case scenario, they fancy you back (???) and now everything is icky and someone who should have had a duty of care towards you is being a creep. Have your silly enormous crush, and go make out with someone your own age.