Ask Anahit: Memes, Muting, and My Buddy Eric

My boyfriend and I are generally very happy and have a great relationship. However he is not 'online' and doesn’t get any of the memes or cultural refs I send to him/talk about. AITA for wanting him to be more online so we can talk about niche Twitter beefs?

Firstly I’d like to thank you, anon, for staying true to the brief of this page, which is Extremely Petty Shit. But Extremely Petty Shit that matters! Someone's texting style and their investment in contemporary cultural discourse is something I think about a lot, to the extent that I have brought it up multiple times with multiple friends, and they have multiple times kindly told me to grow up. So, I get it.

I don't think you're an arsehole for wanting him to be online, although arguably online is where all the Bad Stuff™ is so like, maybe a bit. But like I said, I get it! The internet, and being chronically online, is a language, and language is what creates connection – it’s where our humour and mutual recognition come from and how we create a shared psychic space with someone, which is all intimacy really is.

At the same time though, being logged off in this day and age is a mental health choice more than anything. And, however much you want your partner to understand the specific sociolinguistic ways that Elon Musk is a huge loser, it is unfortunately a boundary that needs to be respected. But honestly maybe you could just tell them? Build it into your relationship, like Prometheus bringing fire from Mount Olympus? This is admittedly dangerously close to one of those advice columns where they’re like, "if he's bad in bed just tell him what to do and it’ll actually be super sexy". However, as there is simply nothing sexy about Twitter discourse, I think the comparison stops there x

It sometimes feels lonely with my partner. Though we are in the same room, it feels like I'm alone. He usually comes from work and is tired and then just watches TV. He doesn't really want to do anything outside our home. I get he is tired, but if it happens often it makes me not like him so much.

Oh man. I’m going to compare your situation to a book (I reference this book all the time, to the extent that maybe it’s the only book I’ve ever read?) just because my heart is breaking a little and I need to deflect. I don’t know if you’ve read Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City but she talks about the deceptive idea of loneliness as something happening in solitude, whereas it very often happens within busyness – whether the intimacy of a relationship or the crowds of a city. And it’s so hard because when we’re in those situations we expect it the least, and it hurts so much more.

I guess in terms of practical advice, I feel you maybe need to identify what it is that hurts you. Do you worry what it says about his tendency towards insularity? Do you feel he’s ignoring your needs – for closeness, for conversation? Are you bored and want to be out more? The latter is maybe the easiest fix (the idea that our partners can tend to all our emotional needs is a myth – maybe you need to rely on your friends for that part of your life?) but the other two… there is a potential incompatibility there, either in how you want to live your lives, or the ways he is willing to attend to yours. Unfortunately, nothing to be done other than to have a very gentle but firm conversation, and to always, always bear in mind that you’re not silly for finding your desire – whether for someone or for a kind of life – important <3

How to heal from someone who was giving indications of wanting a serious relationship, but then left?

Lol yep, shoot me. Not to be like this happened to my buddy Eric (me) but this happens to my buddy Eric (me) a lot.

This is maybe the easiest question to answer because there is a very practical solution – mute them on everything! I mean literally everything!!! The artificiality of social media, where we have access to people we normally wouldn’t have access to after a painful rupture, is fucked up and bad! I know it’s hard and it feels like you’re the one creating a final break, but honestly? They did that and you’re just trying to move on with your life. Why is their stupid little green circle appearing in your flat at half-past-midnight when you’re trying to go to sleep? No thank you!

These practicalities aside, I would also be very careful about the narratives you build for yourself out of this. It’s easy when faced with this kind of rejection to spin it into a reflection of yourself (cause and effect: they left so maybe they left because of you) or a lack of trust in your ability to read things (did you make it all up in your head?). Ultimately, however, the only relationship you have to live with forever is the one with yourself, and internalising these awful narratives because someone was chaotic and inconsiderate is really harmful. They might leave but that shit sticks around. That’s what my buddy Eric says anyway x

---

Do you have a problem Anahit could help with? Email pettyshit@theskinny.co.uk or check out our Instastories for fully anonymised submissions