Ask Anahit: Liar Liar

I don't know how to lie. How can I get into lying more, in a fun, mysterious, sexy, harmless way?

You could not have come to a better person with this question. I love this question, almost (but, crucially, not quite!) as much as I love lying. I love lying. I think it should be an Olympic sport, or a designated kind of performance art ratified by the Royal Academy. I once told an Apple employee my best friend and I were long-term lovers so she could buy her husband a Mac using my student discount. I’ve made up elaborate parties and had dates I want to get out of drop me off at them and then gone home. I’ve pretended I’m single, I’ve pretended I’m in a relationship, I skived off half of sixth form with a migraine (I have never had a migraine in my life). If ever I were to be sent to prison, it would be for perjury (I just don’t think it’s the court’s business!). 

I really do believe in lying as a fundamental lifeskill: it allows you, in effect, to take control of the narrative, to demarcate the porous spaces between your public and private selves. You do have to exercise caution in how you deploy it; lying is, really, a kind of power play – which is what makes it sexy and fun – but is a super dick move in any relationship predicated on trust. Elsewhere though? Omg who cares. Say whatever you want.

On a practical level, you should identify the parts of your life you want to control and start playing from there. Don’t get enough holiday days? Baby, you have regular and insurmountable cramps. A pesky acquaintance isn’t respecting your boundaries and keeps asking invasive questions? Maybe you were adopted. Maybe you’re an heiress. Maybe you’re one of the survivors from Lost. I just don’t think it’s a moral quandary! It’s your fucking life, and you get to decide how it’s shared. As the immortal bards Panic! at the Disco said, lying is the most fun a girl can have! However she’s dressed!