Ask Anahit: Boundary Spaces
In this month's advice column, one reader struggles with a friend's unwanted advances
What’s your advice on how to approach a close friend who is in love with you but it makes you feel uncomfortable? She’s unaware that I know but her advances are becoming more and more obvious. I’ve opposed the idea of us as a couple multiple times to her face but nothing’s changed. I don’t want to drop the friend however things have got out of hand.
I’ve had two glasses of wine and am on the last train home and am so excited to answer this question, because what you’re asking is how to detect and convey the limits of what you are willing to tolerate, i.e. boundaries, and as someone who has never set a boundary in their life I feel I am uniquely qualified to answer this.
The thing I find most fascinating about boundaries is they are simple to dictate and almost impossible to enforce, because they require having to go against so many of our instincts of attachment. It is so easy to spell out DUMP HIM in tarot cards about a friend’s terrible boyfriend, but harder when it’s your terrible boyfriend. And I want to make the argument (because I’m tipsy and therefore brave) that maybe that is actually OK, and not something to desperately train ourselves out of.
I feel I have to always be so furtive about serious conflict because the reflex from my friends and beleaguered therapist is to say maybe that person shouldn’t be in my life anymore. And not only does that break my heart, but it also means I then downplay all my complex feelings of anger and frustration and hurt to avoid that response. Like, whatever happened to bitching about an insane friend or avoidant ex over cocktails and going home and changing nothing. Maybe some traditions shouldn’t die!
My toxic take on boundaries aside, the only thing you can do here is communicate – if she’s unaware that you know, that suggests you’ve been dropping heavy hints instead of having a direct conversation. And yeah, there may come a point where if she doesn’t listen, the nature of your relationship will shift. But I guess I’m trying to say I understand the desire to not give up until you have to. Some things are worth navigating and are navigable. I really do believe this. I think.
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