Ask Anahit: No Touchy

How do you navigate a pal that gets a bit too touchy-feely when drunk but otherwise is so normal with you (and a really great friend!). I'd feel too uncomfortable to call her out but it is something I always dread happening when we are out and all drinking...

Look, I mean, obviously you should gently confront her, express your boundaries without fear, and trust that the relationship will survive whatever awkwardness ensues. We all know this. But I can’t wring 400 words out of such a patently sensible and boring solution so, plan B: you should tell the truth! By lying :) 

Specifically, you should strike up a nonchalant conversation when you’re both definitively sober, telling her about your discomfort when another friend – she wouldn’t know them, this other friend is extremely shy but they definitely exist and do not go to high school in another town, why would your first friend even suggest that, you’ve been adults for years and this isn’t Glee – gets a bit too tactile when drunk. You see, it makes you so uncomfortable because it oversteps so many of your boundaries, but you just don’t know how to communicate this because you don’t want to hurt this friend’s feelings! Does your first friend, the one who is currently sober and would never dream of doing such a thing, have any advice? Because the thing is, you really don’t like being touched like that. Isn’t it so frustrating when people behave in thoughtless ways, and have to be managed so delicately? 

A little while ago in this column, I gave some very good advice about how to lie and A Man I Do Not Know And Do Not Care To sent a response to our general inbox in which he clutched his pearls for about five paragraphs on the state of moral decay in contemporary media. I thought this was extremely loser behaviour, firstly because he wrote an email that no one asked for, and secondly because lying can not only be sexy but also – as in the case above – extremely useful. People can understandably feel defensive when put on the spot: no one likes the feeling of being caught out, but everyone loves the feeling of gossiping. Give the public what they want! And yeah, it’s important to know how to express your needs and boundaries, blah blah blah. But between you and me, not every point of conflict has to be a Very Special Blossom moment. If your fondness for this person is making it hard to draw the lines you need, then draw them obliquely. It still counts, I think. Surely there are participation trophies for self-actualisation too.