Cock-tails: Celebrity Tribute Recipes

So you're a barman, jilted by the woman you love? Tough break. But what to do, eh? Well, apparently you should devise a cocktail that represents said woman and name it after her. That's what the Bar Manager of the Lonsdale Cocktail Bar down in that London did, combining the jiltee's twin joys of alcohol and vindictive power games to create not one but two cocktails inspired by past loves. Apparently one of his exes was kind, frank, and reminds him of whisky and eggwhites. We daren't delve any deeper than that.

We at The Skinny don't have such problems – we're beating them back with a stick, frankly – but we do like the idea of having a dig at folk through the medium of booze, so here are a few of our recipes inspired by famous celebrity types. Try them at your peril.

The Heston

Eschew traditional notions of cocktails as refreshing liquids that a sane individual would choose to drink. Inject a snail with advocaat and liquidise, along with a citrus bath bomb and an old man's hat. Set something on fire as an 'experiment', then never mention it again. Place snaily soapy liquid in a flask of liquid nitrogen, and cover with suspicious foam. Serve with a series of self-serving journey-type television programmes.

The Winslet

Blend the finest spirits with expertly-squeezed fruit juices. Look over your quality creation, and decide it won't win any awards just by being 'good'. Garnish the glass with a physical embellishment, such as a crack or chip, or alternatively dress it in a little Nazi uniform. Serve with a hysterical wail about how glad you are that others are there to share this drink with you, even if no-one else is around.

The Salmond

Mix two parts Irn-Bru and four parts whisky in a See You Jimmy hat. Add shortbread, Highland Toffee and a DVD of Scotland's game against Holland from 1978, and deep fry. Serve in a Toby jug with non-optional Saltire cocktail umbrella. Look confused when it doesn't quite work.

The Kay

You remember Sodastream, don't you? Remember, from the 80s? The juice thing? Remember? Well put some of that stuff in a glass. And vol-au-vents, at weddings. Garlic Bread. GARLIC BREAD? Jim Bowen, he was good, wasn't he? Put some of those things in, and mix it all up. Recipe will serve and delight an inexplicably large number of people.