The Skinny in Pictures - Ugly for Art

This month The Skinny scoured the annals of film to find good looking thespians who have 'Jade Goodied' themselves up to look worse than Shane McGowan after a night on the stout. Some do it in pursuit of a shiny gold man called Oscar while others do it because they're dickheads who couldn't choose a good project if their make-up man's life depended on it.

John Travolta, in Battlefield Earth

Dance your way out of this sci-fi turd, John. I won't pretend to presume what the future will hold for the human race, but I'll bet you a dime and a dollar we won't be ruled by a dreadlocked white pikey with a leather cod-piece the size of a ripe grapefruit.

Mel Gibson, in The Man Without a Face

Proving he has a dark side, Gibson took on the appearance of Quasimodo's ugly older brother to play a shy, sensitive man who lives on his own and befriends a young boy. Right. At least he'll be easy to recognise in the prison shower.

Charlize Theron, in Monster

"Hmmm, play a lesbian serial killer. That will win me an Oscar," said Ms Theron, who morphed from head turner to trailer trash to take home the coveted gong. She also got to make out with Christina Ricci. The price? She had to take on the appearance of that aged scarlet-clad slapper from The Royal Oak who tries to jump me and the boys when we're hammered on Talisker. If she's a real woman I'll take a blow up one any day.

Nicole Kidman, in The Hours

Nicole turned her feline looks into those of a trout for The Hours. She was playing Virginia Woolf, a bleak depressive who mused upon the power of the modern city as a motif for the gradual degradation of the human soul, when she probably should have been bringing up her kids properly, or cooking. Nicole won an Oscar for this role, which goes to show that a prosthetic nose can get you everything you could ever want, except sweet, simple dignity.

Samantha Morton, in Minority Report

Nice one Sam - shave your head and lie in a big pool of slime while Cruise arses around about you, using your abilities of foresight to make himself look great. Shame that you couldn't foresee that this film was going to be a big pile of wank.

Danny Devito, in Batman Returns

It's always difficult to know how off-beat director Tim Burton will approach anything, but why he made an already ugly man even more so is beyond me. He looks like the kind of dirty kiddy fiddlers who run workhouses in Dickens novels, though his large nose, ruddy complexion and appalling body odour means that he is often mistaken for Peter Stringfellow.

Brad Pitt, in Snatch

Rumour has it that Pitt tried to prepare for this role by hanging around with real pikeys, but was foiled when they beat the shit out of him and stole his gold-studded wallet, using the proceeds to buy Buckfast. Undeterred, Pitt instead modelled the character on Noel Edmonds, who he saw being chucked out of a television studio with plans for a whole range of shit quiz shows in his hands.

Sean Connery, in Dragonheart

Reports came in after this film was made that this was how Connery actually looked in real life – only with some clever eyebrow hypnosis did he make the world see him in human form. Though he is in many ways like a real person (30 feet tall, wings, green), the defining piece of evidence is that, like the rest of us, he clearly has an intense hatred of Dennis Quaid (pictured) and mauled him shortly after this picture was taken.

Meatloaf, in Fightclub

Bob's bitch tits are a seminal piece of film history. At once Meatloaf's tits are repugnant and yet compelling. I wish I was a gaunt Edward Norton, my cheek nuzzled against the old rocker's gigantic cleavage as he sniffs my hair and tells me everything's going to be ok. Mmm.