Hollywood Juicer: February

Ming Swings
The controversial execution of the deposed Ruler of Mongo, Ming the Merciless, has drawn condemnation from Amnesty Intergalactic, after mobile phone footage of the despot's hanging was posted on YouTube. Newly installed Prime Minister Voltan, King of the Hawkmen, has rejected accusations of barbarism, bellowing, "This is Mongo justice!"

Heavenly Features
Andy Fordham look-alike Peter Jackson is currently suing New Line for alleged monies owed from the Rings trilogy, insisting that he's due twice the $250 million already paid to him by the production company. Porky Pete needs the cash to terraform New Zealand's coastline in his own image, so that even aliens know how important he is.

The Golden Child
Award hungry producer Harvey Weinstein has enlisted the aid of MIT boffins to come up with a sure-fire Oscar winning film, using a supercomputer to analyse trends in previous prize winners. The computer has come up with the perfect gong-grabbing story, concerning the struggles of a deaf, blind, paraplegic African boy, with a genius for maths and an abusive father. Crucially, however, it must be based on a true story. In a race against time, Weinstein has dispatched his army of flying monkeys to find if such a child exists, with plans to purchase his life story before Angelina Jolie gets there first and adopts him.

Number Five Ain't Alive
Movie droids have networked in grief following the unexpected suicide of Short Circuit star Number Five, discovered in a bath of his own oil by best friend, Steve Guttenberg. The 'bot celeb was driven to depression by typecasting throughout his career, as eloquently expressed in his suicide note, which read, "101001001100001."

Indian Reservations
Following the current Tinseltown trend for all things Native American, talent vacuum Vin Diesel has contracted the services of an ace Cheyenne tracker. Johnny Crowfoot faces the arduous task of locating the hairless growler's career, last spotted on former beau Michael Eisner's casting couch. Crowfoot will take on Diesel's case upon completion of his current assignment, finding Linsay Lohan's modesty.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel
Speaking of talent gone AWOL, former funny-man Steve Martin is set to receive $10 million to further disgrace himself in unwanted sequel, The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Defending his actions, Martin blurted, "I've been informed by the LAPD that it is illegal to literally piss on the grave of Peter Sellers, so this is the next best thing."