Hollywood Juicer: December

What next: Steven Spielberg's Action Man?

God preserve the cinema going public if Michael Bay's Transformers and McG's Hot Wheels are box office smashes. Toy related properties rumoured to be in the pipeline include Hungry Hippos, the big screen adaptation of the popular polymer even-toed ungulates game of the same name. Set to star as Red, Green, Blue and Yellow are Kathy Bates, Roseanne Barr, the corpse of John Candy and, in her big screen debut, Michelle McManus. Celebrity munchkin Vern Troyer is lined up to play all of the marbles.

If Ken Dodd was black and could bench press 500 lbs...

In a curious case of life imitating the poorly made Fugitive sequel, U.S. Marshals, craggy-faced Tommy Lee Jones has been dispatched by the US Treasury to capture alleged tax dodger Wesley Snipes. Currently filming his latest crime against cinema in Namibia, the fading Blade star owes the IRS some $12 million in back taxes and faces up to 16 years in prison. On hearing that Jones was en route to Africa, Snipes bullishly commented, "I ain't afraid of no space cowboy!" Seconds later, he involuntarily evacuated the contents of his bowels into his leather pants. Watch this space for updates.

POP QUIZ: Which diminutive action star was recently seen at Prince's Purple Mansion borrowing a pair of elevated shoes for his sham wedding? Answer at the bottom.

Ban this filth

Stuck for a Christmas gift for a Satanist friend? Try Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, which its makers claim is "Satan's Proudest Moment." The first example of the rom-zom-vom-wrong-com genre, a Far East remake is set to be the first Hong-Kong-rom-zom-vom-wrong-com. Acolytes of Lucifer with an iron constitution should visit www.slaughteredvomitdolls.com for further instruction in the dark arts.

Pirates: big fans of parrots and gay porn

"You wouldn't steal a film… wah de wah wah ..." posits the ineffectual anti-piracy advert. An associate, who regularly "liberates" DVDs from HMV, recently compounded his criminality by attempting to download Casino Royale. The file he downloaded may have carried the same name as the Bond movie, but was in fact the little known gem Twink Academy, a saucy all boy pastiche of the St. Trinians movies. A "twink", it seems, is a peculiarly effete schoolboy who shows a healthy disdain for clothing. And they say crime doesn't pay....

But John Travolta was ace in Pulp Fiction!

With the increasing popularity of Scientology, it's vital that you know some hard facts before joining Hollywood's favourite religion:
1. They believe that mankind is descended from clams.
2. Kirstie Alley is a member.
3. What else do you need to know?

POP QUIZ ANSWER: Vin Diesel, currently essaying Prince Charming at the Southend Apollo Theatre. Book now to ensure disappointment.