Doc Hollywood

Diagnosing the latest movie news: is the outlook rosey or wart-infected?

Feature by Craig Simpson | 15 Jul 2006
First in surgery is Anthony Hopkins in 'Slipstream' (Sci-fi geeks, please banish all thoughts of the Mark Hamill 'Shitstream' from the '80s) - Sir Ant directs, stars and wrote the screenplay. It's a noir comedy revolving around an actor who on his deathbed is thrown into a vortex where time, dreams and reality collide. The eclectic cast includes John Turturro, Michael Clarke Duncan and er... Christian Slater.

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If you want to know what that rapscallion Johnny Depp is up to apart from upstaging orange-faced buffoon Orlando Bloom in the Pirates sequels then trouble yourselves no more! Depp has teamed up again with King of Quirk Tim Burton for 'Sweeney Todd', based on the Broadway smash. In further Depp related news, director Peter Weir has quit helming duties on 'Shantarem' after the studio turned down his first draft. In the film Depp plays a heroin addict who escapes prison and flees to India to live in the slums of Bombay. Expect both film to arrive sometime in winter 2007.

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Hitting cinemas later this year and possibly suffering from a fatal dose of salmonella comes the winner of 'Future movie title of the week'. Brace yourselves for 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Zombies'. Yes, you all want it, and now you're going to get it. Blood, guts and a side order of fries? It's already being hailed as the best film about a killer chicken since... erm...

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On a more serious note, ignoring the rule that if it ain't broke don't fix it, New Line Cinema are producing an American remake of 'Battle Royale'. God help us all!

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Following on from the success of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' director Mike Newell has turned his attention to directing 'Love in the Time of Cholera', based on the novel by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

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Latest news on 'Indiana Jones 4': George Lucas has insisted that Sean Connery will appear despite announcing his retirement from movies. Get on with it or don't make it at all.

And finally, a plea to Jean-Claude Van Damme, who is rumoured to have been approached to play the villain in 'Rush Hour 3'. Please, please, please stop acting now. It's for the best.