Arabian Nights

Once upon a time, in a strange and mysterious land swathed in sand and cell animation, there lived an amiable street urchin named Aladdin who was, let’s be clear, a thieving little rat. Aladdin, however, did at least have a heart of gold, which was only matched in its charms by the fabled and seemingly modest oil lamp that he stumbled upon. Aladdin immediately took a shine to it – rubbing it admiringly, when all of a sudden, smoke began to seep from the spout of the lamp - now shuddering in Aladdin’s nimble hands - and from the powder blue haze emerged the popular film actor Robin Williams.

Quickly realising what was going on, Aladdin enquired confidently: “You’re a genie, aren’t you? You’re supposed to grant me three wishes, eh?”

“Seems so.”, replied Robin Williams, wearing a puzzled expression as he surveyed his line-drawn surroundings.

“So listen Robin – can I call you Robin?  Even though I’m a raging kleptomaniac, there’s more depth to my character than Disney would have you believe. I’m a closet film buff, and with your help, I’d like to catch some flicks this week. So, my first wish is to see a romantic film with a distinctly Persian flavour. You must understand, I won’t stand for slush. I want innovation, something a bit ‘meta’.”

Robin Williams stroked his chin, and responded in a sage monotone: “You’ll be looking for Shirin, then, an Iranian film directed by Abbas Kiarostami, and you’ll like it especially because it’s one of those film-within-a-film deals. If you take your magic carpet to the west, you can see it at the Glasgow Film Theatre from today.’

Observing that Aladdin was impressed by his words of wisdom, he continued. ‘Staying on the romance angle, there’s also The Proposal, directed by Anne Fletcher, although this may well not be to your liking. Andrew Paxton (Ryan Reynolds) is a long-suffering personal assistant to a pushy executive, Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock), who forces him to marry her in order to prevent her deportation to Canada. The bitch.”

“The queen of romcom slush’, Aladdin mused, "although, I must say, I have my own arranged marriage issues with a Princess Jasmine...but that’s for another time. My second wish, should you choose to accept it, is to create a brand new film festival for Scotland. Glasgow has one, Edinburgh has one, but why not Aberdeen? Surely it deserves its own celebratory cinema event?”

“I couldn’t agree more,’ bellowed Robin Williams, ‘And so it is done. Starting from today until Saturday 1st August, the inaugural Aberdeen Film Festival will be hosting more films than you can shake a scabbard at, with a focus on celebrating local industry talent. One such movie is One Day Removals, a black comedy thriller directed by Mark Stirton that’s screening tonight at the Belmont.

"Otherwise, I highly recommend Local Hero, a heartwarming tale of a Texan oil executive, Felix Happer (Burt Lancaster), with plans to do away with a coastal fishing village to make way for an oil refinery, only to fall in love with the village of Ferness and its quirky inhabitants. Bill Forsyth, director of Gregory’s Girl, is behind the lens for this 80’s cult classic.”

By now Aladdin was in raptures, so pleased was he at this bounty of eclectic films at his disposal. Something stirred in him, however, and he began to sob. “What’s wrong, Aladdin?” asked Robin Williams. “It’s nothing, it’s just that...well, Princess Jasmine is really bumming me out. No sooner have we met than she’s already forcing me into a wedlock I’m financially and emotionally ill-prepared for. And she caught me stealing from her purse. Is there anything you can do, Robin?”

“Take her to see Antichrist – just the ticket for your problem.” chuckled Robin Williams.

“You mean that one with Charlotte Gainsborough and Willem Dafoe? I hear from a reputable source that it’s rather misogynistic and hateful, and Disney won’t like that. Besides, how is a film going to solve my marital problems?”

“Take her to the Cameo, and watch her disappear from your life before your very eyes.” he explained benevolently.

And with that, Aladdin bowed and said thanks, ambling off into the sunset with Robin William’s wallet safely tucked into his back pocket, leaving behind a frenzied blur of sapphire mist, looking back only to catch a glimpse of the erstwhile genie turning the air blue with a vigorous plume of smoke.