The Bank Job

There are some stories so utterly, stupendously preposterous that they have to be true. Step up The Bank Job, a patchy heist-caper full of cockerney crime shenanigans, nefarious Whitehall dealings, sleazy gang-lords and even a Royal sex scandal thrown in for good measure. Based on the 1971 Baker Street bank robbery, covered up by a government 'D notice', with no arrests made and no money recovered, it's a kind of retro Ocean's Eleven where everyone talks in Don Cheadle cor-blimey-guv'nor mockney and Las Vegas is replaced with the glossy grooviness of seventies Soho.
Now, stop me if you've heard this before: geezer du jour Statham is the man with a dodgy past who, despite his best intentions to stay on the straight and narra', is tempted back for one last job – I know, let's just re-invent the wheel while we're at it script guys. So, our favourite growly action man leads a pack of cheeky chappies on the aforementioned One Last Job, but things – gasp! – do not go quite as planned. Heist movies are all about pace, but The Bank Job just lumbers along, never quite sure if it wants to be a thriller or a campy throw-back. Burrows stands around looking tall and pouty while even Suchet, oozing evilness from every orifice as a Soho porn king, can't halt the film's messy and disappointing conclusion. If only they'd let Statham punch things a bit more. [Laura Smith]