Into the Third Dimension

With Avatar conquering all at the box office it seems that 3-D may be here to stay. Never afraid to flog a dead horse – or, should I say, monetise existing assets - it seems entirely possible that Hollywood will look to its back-catalogue for films to remake with the new technology. In a bid to head off a 3-D remake of Wild Wild West it falls to us to try and come up with some films that might benefit from entering the 3rd dimension:

Wizard of Oz: We open in boring old black-and-white, two-dimensional Kansas, along comes a tornado and – BANG! – we land in a Technicolor, 3-D Land of Oz, a world which makes the Pandora of Avatar look bleakly realistic. In a plot twist James Cameron plays a shouting, swearing Wizard, conjuring Oz out of a massive SFX computer fuelled by mountains of cash. Just watch out for the flying monkeys.

Alien: The long, dark corridors of the spaceship Nostromo become even longer, darker and more terrifying in 3-D. Steel yourself for erupting alien eggs, exploding stomachs and slavering jaws emerging from the darkness. Bring a change of underwear.

Saving Private Ryan: Every ticket sold comes with a free helmet and sandbag to hide behind.

Sunset Boulevard: We open with the view from the bottom of a pool as a body floats above us. You can almost feel the surrounding water. Indeed, any The Graduate-style underwater sequence would benefit from the (literally) immersive qualities of 3-D.

Mulholland Drive: Thought you lost your bearings while watching Lynch's labyrinthine masterpiece? You won't be able to find the exit after the 3-D version.

Vertigo: Now you too can experience our hero's fear of heights. Also in the offing, a 3-D remake of Man on Wire.

Trainspotting: Sprint down Edinburgh's Princes Street in glorious 3-D. What? You live in Edinburgh and can do that whenever you want? OK, well join Renton as he slips into the Worst Toilet in Scotland. Bet you haven't done that.

Steamboat Bill Jr.: Gasp in terror as the front of a house falls towards the impassive Keaton – and you - only for him to be miraculously saved by an open window. (It would be fascinating to know what the the silent film makers – those masters of visual storytelling – would do with 3-D.)

Tokyo Story: Only joking.

Next week: We consider whether Smell-O-Vision - by adding the stench of rotting cadavers - would add to the glamour of CSI, and the impact that Taste-O-Rama might have on The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.