The first (real) man to conquer Arthur's Seat
Hi. How are you? My name is Dave Hill and I am a comedian, writer, musician, actor, thinking man, and highly-boneable public figure from the United States, a struggling yet quaint country just west of here.
A couple days ago, I arrived here in Edinburgh for the very first time in my life and so far I am having a reasonably delightful time. I have eaten haggis twice, defying all expectations. I decided to get it out of the way since I know everyone back home would be asking me about it and everything since people in the United States tend to think that Scottish people eat haggis several times a day for some reason. I blame the media. Generally speaking, I tended to really like the haggis except for those points during the meal when someone would remind me what I was actually eating. Then I had to take a break for a second before jumping in again with tears streaming down my adorable, haggis-smeared cheeks.
My apartment here in Edinburgh is located along an old cobblestone road, perfect for stumbling home late at night or first thing in the morning from some stranger’s home or van, my dignity long gone but my wallet hopefully a few pounds thicker. There is a cemetery outside my window. I am hoping this is not symbolic of how my shows here in Edinburgh or my show business career in general is about to go. In fact, I’m pretty sure the ghosts are rooting for me, if not for my incredible hair then definitely for my seemingly endless parade of unstoppable outfits. Also, my shows are seriously good. I just checked.
Yesterday, I woke up early and ran/walked/crawled/cried my way to the very highest point in all of Edinburgh, a rock formation/sculpture I was later informed is called Arthur’s Seat. As I clawed my way to the top, I was pretty sure no one in history had ever managed to climb this high and I imagined I must have been trampling over the fossilised remains of lesser men who had tried before me. When I finally got to the top, however, I was greeted by several young families, many of them with babies and other people who suck at walking. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so bold. I comforted myself by telling myself I took the hard way up and got there much quicker than anyone else. Then I ran back down to the bottom of the hill while giving everyone I saw up there the finger. Trust me on this one- they had it coming, especially those babies. Most of them won’t think twice about taking a dump just about anywhere and then totally act like nothing happened. They are inconsiderate assholes and I am tired of their bullshit.
As for my shows here at Edinburgh, I am doing two different ones. I’m told this is insane but they already made the posters so I guess I’ll go through with it. The first is my new one-man show called Big in Japan which is the story of my life as a rock-n-roll musician and how I totally ended up becoming a big rock star in Japan from totally out of nowhere one day.
During the show, I shred on guitar, talk about making out with chicks, show a couple videos, and just sort of kick ass in general to the point where you will probably be all like “That was the greatest thing I have ever seen ever and I have seen a lot of great stuff in my time so I should know! And- wait a second- what happened to my wallet?!” Then we can go get a snack or something. Maybe haggis. I know a place. I am doing my Big in Japan show every night at 8:15pm, which is known as 20:15 in these parts, at the Pleasance Courtyard Beneath. Please come or I will stab you.
The other show I am doing is my incredible variety/chat/donkey show The Dave Hill Explosion, an unstoppable night of entertainment in which I talk, sing, dance, show a couple videos I made in my spare time, interview a celebrity guest, and just sort of touch hearts in general for about an hour or so until I figure it’s time for a drink. If you don’t absolutely love this show, you can kick me in the crotch and I will thank you for it. I am doing The Dave Hill Explosion every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at 11pm, which is known as 23:00 in these parts sometimes. This is all going down at the Pleasance Courtyard Upstairs like a motherf@#ker.
Afterwards, we can hang out, chat, drink stuff, and- if everything goes as planned- make out for a seriously long time. The next day we’ll see each other, perhaps somewhere in town, and maybe blush about the whole thing for a moment before trying to pretend it never happened. We’ll both stomp off in opposite directions while swearing under our breath, vowing to never drink or take cold medicine again. After a few paces though, we’ll both stop in our tracks, turn around, and run toward each other, eventually collapsing in each other’s arms, just like in the movies. Then we’ll totally start making out with each other all over again only this time we won’t be nearly as wasted as before and the cops will be nowhere in sight. Besides- there ain’t a damn thing they can do about it as this time around the goat is completely out of the picture. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. I mean, sure we fight sometimes, but I just can’t stay mad at you.
The Dave Hill Explosion
Upstairs @ Pleasance Courtyard
6-28 Aug, 11.00pm, £7.00-£8.50
Dave Hill: Big in Japan
Beneath @ Pleasance Courtyard
4-29 Aug, 8.15pm, £7.00-£8.50