The Final Straight...

So we're charging down the home straight of the final festival furlong and there's a fair few long faces around. The runners aren't quite at the winning post yet but I think I can see the fat lady plugging in her karaoke mic.

All in all it's fair to say the going has been good this year. More than anything the punters have kept me on my toes. In one of my later shows a man in the audience decided to give his opinion on battery farming.  'If it's called free range why is it so expensive?' Fair point. He went on, 'I like my chickens locked up, that way you know where they've been.' Hmmm. He concluded, 'I know where I'd like to stick that battery!' I took it he wasn't a vegetarian.

I always try to keep myself grounded during the run which for me means commuting back and forward to Glasgow every day. That does mean I don't get the fun of the Edinburgh flat. Though I did help my mate move into his where the owner had let him know he had access to a new cooker with a conventional oven. I don't know about you but I've never come across an oven that was unconventional.  What would it be?  A flame thrower?  Maybe a dragon just blowing on your dinner. My mate just stuck to take away.
 
It's his first time here and he was well impressed by the fact we drink our water straight from the tap. I gleefully reminded him that Scotland has some of the softest water in the world. He asked how soft and I assured him it had been bullied by various other waters from around the world.

I've managed to stay on top of all my emails too courtesy of the trusty Edinburgh internet cafes. Personally I always wondered why internet pubs never took off. Maybe it's because after a few jars it's not that easy to get your browser up. I'm here all week.

I'm sure there's some joke about a hard drive and a dongle in there as well but I'll move on. I've even got a name for a chain of these bad boys - Beer Googles. It's got Dragon's Den pitch written all over it.

I was lucky enough to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights during the fringe though I still half expected to find some students from a dance troupe squatting under my bed.

It's always a tough one knowing what you're going to get from a hotel. I think the best way to judge is whether or not you get a free biscuit in the room. If it's chocolate you're usually alright. An oatcake or less and you could be in trouble. No biscuits at all and it's time to say oh crumbs. You've reached Garibaldi ground zero.

I enjoy strolling around the tourist shops here too, as they desperately try to promote all things Scottish. Most of them play Runrig to attract folk in. Funny, we usually play Runrig to scare folk off.

In fairness I'm just uncomfortable in shops generally. It's always 20 questions as soon as you walk in the door. "Is everything ok?  Do you need any help?  Are you alright?" It makes you start doubting yourself in every way. Honestly, you go in for a pair of shoes and come out with a stint in rehab.

Oh aye it's been a wild ride but almost time to saddle up and head for the hills. Fringe 2009 is just about ready to be put out to pasture.

But here's a sobering thought for you. It's only another 48 weeks until we're all under starter's orders again... Yeeha!