Britain's Best Mates

The repetitive clip of music which plays over and over ad nauseam as the house lights dim for this show bodes ill, and accurately, for what is to follow. Britain’s “official” best mates ("according to Lads Magazine!") enter, in football shirts and trainers, to talk about “fit girls”, do some rubbish dancing, and attempt to deflect criticisms that they are uncultured by stating that they have read all of the Harry Potter books. Of course they are being ironic, but it simply isn't funny to pretend to be someone who isn't funny, when you yourself... are not funny.

Phil and Phill draw fewer and fewer laughs from their audience as Phill executes some hopeless impressions of characters in films, Phil chases Phill around the stage, tickling him, and the pair get two “fit girls” up on stage to help with the "self-defence class". The pair's attempts at encouraging audience participation fall spectacularly flat and our embarrassment is doubled when the most unfortunate among us are expected to repeat insults at each of the Phil(l)s, upon the other’s dictation.

An argument conducted through writing on T-shirts is an unrepresentative high point during the show, but it does not herald a turning point: soon, Phil is attempting to break his own burping record. The voice of the techie from the back of the auditorium telling us that Phil “is a dick” is the most humorous voice we hear during this painful hour. With mates like these, who needs enemies?