How to Survive the Festival by Craig Hill

It's unavoidable, no matter where you go, you will be inundated with people throwing flyers in your face.

Feature by Craig Hill | 09 Aug 2007

FLYERING- It's unavoidable, no matter where you go, you will be inundated with people throwing flyers in your face. My rule of thumb is: ask them to tell you about the show and if they can make it sound interesting and actually describe it well then they've earned the right to give you the flyer. Most of the time you'll find they haven't got a clue what the show's about and they haven't even bothered to see it themselves!

But if you really can't bear to be flyered here are a few top tips. One: accept the first four flyers and walk about with them all day in your hand, then people will think you've been done already! Also pop them in your bag for the remainder of the Festival, and get them out as protection whenever you're approached. Two (most effective): look at the flyer and convincingly exclaim that you have that flyer or you've already seen the show. Alternatively Three: you could go to a printing company and have a t-shirt made up that says, "I've been flyered already - don't even think about it!" Yippee, flyer free! Or most amiably, take the flyer, go see the show and have a wonderful Festival.

THE HEAT IN THE VENUES - This is one of those things everybody forgets about when going to see a show. By the end of the day after 12 shows in one venue, it gets unbearably hot. So either decide in advance that your Festival outfit is going to be shorts and a vest(and a roll-on deodorant please, otherwise this just adds to the problem!) or bite the bullet and get one of those battery operated hand-held fans. You may feel like a pensioner, but you'll be the envy of every other audience member come showtime, I guarantee you. When you leave the venue don't forget to pick up your fan and your credibility! (The latter will be much harder to find.)

and finally...

HOW TO AVOID HUGE QUEUES - Keep aforementioned flyers you have been given earlier and when you find yourself in an endless line, start handing them out. Then watch blissfully as the queue disperses quicker than you can say, "But it's Shakespeare meets the Big Brother house..."

Enjoy the Festival, and remember... at first you were afraid, you were petrified, but you will survive! Good Luck x

Craig Hill Makin' a Big Song and Dance, Assembly Universal Arts The Majestic (Venue 7), 20:40, 3 Aug - 27 Aug (exclud 13, 20)