Edinburgh Fringe 2018: What the Star Ratings Mean

it cannot have escape your attemtion that at world"s greatest arts festival nearly all reviews in every publicatiom is perfectly wrong !!! 

i sorry for straight barkin on this iwssue . i not want to acuse any critics of foulin on edimbrugh's cobble streets when there lot of fixed penalty fines about. but in over 5000 fringe reviewes from 2017 only aboūt 600 has corect 5star ratin . i bin proffessional journlist long enuff now to know i maybe sittin on top of scandal .o boy, something doesnt add-up !!!

i spend so long studyin reviews in 24hr library that kindly studemt offerwed me some performance enhancin dogs .o boy some border collies would be useful in this situation. collies is vary vary clever and we"d crunch case in no-time .

but it turn out to be scam and insted of collies studemt have many blisters full of "smart drugs '. o boy i hookd on habit formin sevral naps per day .this is more than enuff to stop my brain being stupid .it actualy after smart nap and much study the answer came to me...

when revewers write ratin they is not ratin the show ~ they is ratin themselves !!!

know we know secret i can guarentee whenever you see frimge review it is 5star briliant show but when you see ratin on reweiw this is what it mean about critic ,

5Stars

o boy 5star reviews threw me off scent for longest time ,, in one column go comdy show ,; in another column 5stars . everythin here sum up with grate precisswion and it pass harsh audit !!! but i remembre when i rewiew i always carful to write something like "5star comedy show' or "5stars to you' to make it clear i writing about 5star briliant comedian and not i, fringe dog .the ratin is rite all right ,but only like a clock that stop at dins dins time and is always right !!! maybe this revewer is worth 5star but o boy it not rewiwers place to say !!!

4Stars

not evryone can be perfct .that what i used to think when i see 4star rewiew. the critic is so close but also vary far away because ratin for show is still exactly wrong .  i still think this revewer have potential as they confidenwt enuff to give 4star to themselfs but modesty prevent them thinkin they is as good as show .have a trainin dog clicker click and biscit 4star rewiewer ,you is better than you thinks !!!

3Stars

this revewer worry me most of all .have you ever seen what happen when a cat see anothr cat ??? it stay still and stare at cat as if in fear .i grew up in battersea dogs and cats home (dont worry ,we do our best to get along !!!))  i study cats and find a paralyisis of imdecision is curious way to greeet membre of own speces ,and it curious way to greet briliant 5star frimge show ,and it even more curious way to write about self .is it probleme of heart or head ??? this reweiwer would find it hard to decide ,like hamlet,

2Star

o boy put your ears down and unbarr your teeth ,we wont get anywhere bein angry .if you is briliant 5star artiste you have nothin to fear from 2star rewiew even if that ratin besmirch you by assocsiation . all it tell you is that rewewer is in very dark pound, reactin to briliant 5star comedy with frustratwiom, resentment ,jelousy and anger .or maybe critic does not know joy ??? most of all emoticoms turn inward and choke on own chain, pity this rewewer and hope help arive. there nothin more heartbreakin than a wasted life

1Star

a 1star revew is like hearin the word bathtime in august . it fringetime ,not bathtime !!!

i comfess had i not bin so prejudice against 1star rewiews i would has gotten to solution of wrong ratin quicker. now i read 1stars in lite of my big study and no~one needs a head full of whizz to see rewiwer gone completes off on one .its a plaintive howl for helps .but no-one is beyond help .i think it was former prime ministre david cameron who say "staffordshire bull terrier is much misunderstood breed and need tuff love, hug a staffie today'' . (actualy this poor advice up there with "hug a euroskeptic with refefurrendum' . never hug a dog as we like personal space .top tip -- we prefur to sit on lap))

.if you sit 1star rewiewer on lap i iron-cast guarantee critic will think twice about takin own problems out on your briliants 5star show !!!

love from fringe dog