Dream Gig: Frankie Monroe

Ever since I was a young lad I had dreamed of performing at Batley Varieties. For the uninitiated, Batley Varieties was Yorkshire’s answer to Vegas, but less Elvis and more meat pies – heaven on earth! In 1977 I had my first time performing at the club. I’d caught the attention of the promoters after appearing on the TV show Opportunity Knocks with a routine involving three spoons and a thirsty ferret – while the routine never made it to broadcast for legal reasons, word had spread of my unique act.

Before I’d even arrived at the venue my showbiz dreams were starting to fizzle into reality – a car had been sent to pick me up! Well, not just me, they had also collected four members of the catering staff who were taking up the main passenger seating, so I got thrown in the boot. As I lay there in the darkness, I could just about see something etched into the rusty tin lid of the vehicle. It read ‘Shirley Bassey woz ere’. I took a big whiff, Bassey's iconic scent filled the trunk; Lambert and Butler cigs, wafer thin ham and just a hint of stale piss. I smiled, Frankie was home.

Next thing I knew I was sharing a dressing room with some of the biggest stars of the day. There was Bobby Davro, Elsie Doubloon and Billy Batter, whose act was to deep fry any item the audience brought along. Legend has it he once battered a whole Ford Escort! But the time for gawping was over. I had to grab it by the horns, get on stage and show Batley what I was made of. The show itself was a blur. All I remember is the smell of ferret blood, the sound of screams and the feeling of strong buff arms carrying me off the stage. What a night!!

After the incident in Batley I was banned from most clubs on the northern circuit, even Barnsley wouldn’t have me! So I had no choice but to let the audience come to me and start my very own club in Rotherham, The Misty Moon Working Men's Club.

That would be the location of my dream gig, a beautiful home crowd gathered within my own murky depths. Of course, I’d have a few special guests dotted around the audience: Chris Tarrant, Blobby and perhaps that plucky young lad who nearly won the darts.

I would be the compere of course but as this is my dream gig I’d like to make a big entrance. The curtain would rise to reveal a gigantic meat pie, its pungent scent filling the room. Onto stage hobbles a very handsome chimpanzee dressed like a little bellboy (something for the mums), who makes his way over to a snare drum stage left and begins a drum roll. 

As the roll reaches its climax, the lid of the pie begins to twist open like a manhole cover. The pie lid flings off into the crowd and they begin to ravage it like a pack of wolves, it's gone in seconds. Attention turns back to the stage, the whole pie is gone too!! In its place there I stand licking my gravy-covered chops. With a cheeky smile I shout out my catchphrase, “Whose pie is it anyway?” The audience cheers – the show has begun!

In terms of acts, I’d love to get on Bully the Bull from Bullseye. I’m not sure if he’s got a club act but I reckon he’d do a cracking cover of Sex Bomb (another thing for the mums!) Unfortunately, a lot of my favourite acts are dead. But I think I’d like to take the living halves of both the Chuckle Brothers and Chaz n Dave then smash them together as ‘Chuckle Dave.’ Perhaps they could just pass a guitar between them in a comical way, or sing Snooker Loopy but Paul Chuckle has forgotten the balls!

Naturally we’d have a classic meat raffle – grand prize, some Taste the Difference lamb (difference is, it’s mutton). 

After the gig I’d celebrate how I always do, nothing fancy, just a mug of hot Bovril and a Neighbours omnibus on the box! 

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Joe Kent-Walters is Frankie Monroe: LIVE!!!, Monkey Barrel (MB2), 29 Jul-25 Aug (not 14), 11.25pm, £7-12
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