Rachel Jackson: Comedy Spotlight
Rachel Jackson's show about her attempts to find The One ran at the Free Fringe last year, and now Memoirs of a Bunny Boiler returns for a one-night stand at Glasgow International Comedy Festival – but how much does Jackson know, when questioned, about rabbits?
Rabbits are a coprophagic species which, of course, means to derive all the nutrients from their diet, they need to eat their soft poops directly from their own anuses. At what point is it OK to do this in front of someone you're dating and does it need discussion beforehand?
"I give myself stomach cramps keeping things together in front of my lovers, so I'm not quite sure I'd manage to eat my own shit in front of them."
The pet-stewing protagonist of Fatal Attraction is considered by most people to be a wee bit emotionally unstable. As guys never get clingy, stalky or terrorise the shit out of anyone due to one bad date five years ago, do you think her problems are because she’s a woman? Have you ever experienced a bunny-boiling bloke?
"All I'll say is come and see my show. I don't discriminate against either sex more than the other. I think we're all fucked."
My nieces have a set of Peter Rabbit books I bought for them. Have you ever considered jacking in the quest for love, getting a pet and going batshit by lavishing all your desperate affections on the animal? What would you get? Name? Breed? Little outfit?
"I'm obsessed with dogs and monkeys so I'd get a batch and sleep with them all – not in a sexual way, just a cuddle. I'm a bit like Michael Jackson in that way."
My dad let me watch Watership Down as a child. My nightmares forever after were rent with howling bunnies and Garfunkel. Speaking of which, if you're dating someone who seems like The One, and then one day you come across their stash of legal-but-really-fucking-gross fetish porn, where would you draw the line?
"You can't afford to be too picky if you want to be in a power couple."
It's funny you should bring bunnies into relationship disasters, as I once moved to the other end of the country purely to get my house rabbit back from my unsuitable ex-boyfriend. I got the rabbit back, and it died a week later. Describe the time someone said 'I told you so' to you with as much class as my rabbit?
"I'm so sorry to hear about your rabbit and I promise it wasn't me. My mum says 'I told you so' every time a relationship fails. And she was surprised when I got into acting rather than social work with the sort of guys I used to bring home."
If you were breaking into a desirable's house to cook the proverbial lagomorph – à la Fatal Attraction – and it turned out the shitbag didn't have any pets because he lied about that just like he lied about everything else, what would you do instead before the authorities arrived?
"Raid his fridge just like he raided my soul."
Rabbits are considered an exceptionally fertile animal because the act of intercourse triggers ovulation in the females. Inspired by this fact, I have planned an accidental pregnancy. I am certain it will guarantee my boyfriend will marry me and nothing will possibly ever go wrong. How would you go about ensnaring your prey with this classic subterfuge?
"I once had a guy do it to me saying he was dying of an illness that would kill him at 22. He's 26 now and seems ok."
Rabbits have scent glands in their necks which they rub over things and creatures they wish to 'have', as a territorial marker of sorts. Some weird bastards also keep a rabbit’s severed foot for luck because they are wrong 'uns. With this in mind, what's the weirdest souvenir of a relationship or reminder you've ever kept of someone?
"Just a box of souls really."
The other thing about rabbits is that, of course, they lent their name to a range of high street sex toys for women with no imagination and also your nan. What's been your most significant sexual indignity on your harrowing route to happiness? Did it make it into the show?
"A guy once accidentally broke my hand on a date and it wasn't even some bizarre sexual thing, just a freak accident. Not that anyone at drama school believed me, but these things happen."
More from Comedy:
Brendon Burns chats with canine reviewer Fringe Dog
Isy Suttie on comedy festivals and memoir The Actual One
Rachel Jackson: Memoirs of a Bunny Boiler, Broadcast, 20 Mar, 7pm, £5.