The Dullest Blog: comedy ramblings to inspire the most tedious minutes of your week

Reality Bites

Apparently you shouldn’t phone some people when Britain’s Got Talent (BGT) is on. Exactly when is BGT or one of its associated sideshows not on? Sometimes I wonder if the only way to communicate with some people would be to go on the bloody show. Even my six year old nephew is obsessed. I managed to catch him during an ad break, he could only talk for a minute. I asked him what he would do if he auditioned for BGT, would he sing or dance, because he’s quite into both. (You should look out for him if they ever make a Primary School Musical.) He replied, “I would not do any of those things on Britain’s Got Talent.”

Amazing, I thought, the nephew watches this show and sees it for what it is, a gaudy piece of antitainment* exploiting the hopes and dreams of, sometimes, the weakest links of society to produce big piles of low-cost TV. Alas no, the nephew continued, “I would do something dangerous. Like set fire to ropes.” Then, he hung up. The break was over and BGT is much more interesting than a conversation with boring old Auntie. Humph. What if boring old Auntie got herself on BGT, that would score lots of Auntie points. There is of course the small problem of needing a talent, an act to impress the judging triumvirate as well as the discerning nephew.

I can’t sing. I haven’t a note in my head. Anytime I have stumbled towards karaoke a friend has always pointed a firm finger at me and uttered a definitive “Don’t!” I can kind of shake out a few dance moves but my dodgy knee makes this look slightly involuntary and simply uncoordinated. Its like my legs are having a strange allergic reaction to rhythm. Now I’ve always wanted to try circus skills.

However, the previously mentioned dodgy knee means I’m likely to become a groundbreaking trapeze artist for all the wrong reasons. It’ll have to be something safer. Calligraphy? Calligraphy is a talent, of sorts. I’m not saying that I can do calligraphy, but it seems like something I could turn my hand to. If I practiced like my life depended on it, could I make it past the auditions by doing calligraphy? No. Calligraphy is not a spectator sport. Calligraphy on ice! Now that’s an act, if not a series.

Oh who am I kidding? In reality I’d be lucky if the nephew allowed me to light his ropes. As the great Soul II Soul once said, “Back to life. Back to reality.” I mean, there is no place in a talent show for the talentless, but there’s always Big Brother.

Phone me in the break.

* antitainment - that which alludes to entertainment but causes cramp in the forehead and the grinding of teeth to dust and shards of amalgam.

 

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