The Dullest Blog: comedy ramblings to inspire the most tedious minute of your week

When I was a youngster, my dad, being the thrifty fellow he is, would rather drag us through hell than spend money on entertaining us. So, he’d pack the car with the family, a barbeque and our dog Frisky (no leg was safe around this horny canine).. For some reason we found it fun to be thrown around corners, banging your head against windows whilst a mongrel spaniel licked your face, so, not happy with a comfortable and safe place in the back seat of the car, my brother, sister and I would argue over who would sit in the boot with the hairy humping hound.

My dad would then drive us to a random country location, telling us how much we WOULD enjoy it. The entertainment on the drive would consist of staying as quiet as possible, to not interrupt my parents arguing about directions, and trying not to be sick when the dog farted into our open mouths.

On arrival, everyone would escape from the car and the build up of dog gas, only to become surrounded by the overpowering stench of cow dung. Mum’s job would be to search for a spot and lay out the antique tartan shawl, avoiding cattle poop and jaggy nettles. We’d then spend 20 minutes trying, in vain, to get comfortable by moulding the soil under the blanket in to the shape of our bums.

Laughing at dad attempting to light the barbeque, these would be the moments I would first hear proper swear words. Finally, the food is ready - burgers burnt on the outside and still cold in the middle, served on soggy rolls the dog had half eaten from the cool bag . I’m scarred for life.

So the next time you feel yourself reaching for the picnic basket instead of your wallet, save your partner’s bottom the splinters from the cheap park benches. Save yourself the argument conversation with a policeman because you thought having wine at a picnic didn’t count as drinking outside. Save your children from going to the beach and munching in to a sand filled Panini. 

Just go to a nice restaurant and stop being a tight arse!