The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inspire the dullest moments of your week

Not many of you will know that I spent some of my youth working on fun-fair games. That’s right, I’ve been a gypsy, a tramp and a thief. For two years my summers, school holidays and weekends were all the fun of the fair. I doubt this sounds glamorous, but just in case it does, take my word for it, this is not the ideal student job. You might like the idea of traveling around the festivals of Ireland, but in the back of a Transit van? You might fancy staying in some rustic B&Bs, but those with neither Bed nor Breakfast? You could be interested in meeting people from all over Ireland, but would you be so interested in them if they had just stabbed you in the calf with a rusty dart?

I gained practical knowledge of many of the festivals and events that go on in Ireland, from steam threshing rallies to samba festivals, from air shows to the less specific “shows”. Now, Edinburgh Fringe Festival can claim to be the largest arts festival in the world, but I can tell you a number of things that it is missing (organisers take note). I’d like to see more goats dressed like ladies, more raft races, more people stealing generators, more corrugated iron, more donkey derbys, and more hay to sit on. What about an engine? An engine that ragged looking fellas could stand around and tilt their heads. The engine doesn’t have to have a purpose other than bellowing smoke. As long as its an engine, that’s enough.

What about a festival rose? The Fringe Rose. She could be paraded down the Royal Mile on the back of a lorry waving politely while people waved politely back. If you knock her off you win a prize (probably a goat in a dress).

Catch Elaine in Elaine Malcolmson & Niall Browne: All Kinds of Everything, Stand 2, 12:30, until 30 (not 17)