The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inpire the most tedious moment of your week

Fit like,

With 26 shopping days left until Christmas, I was to Livingston to get the last few gifts for my fiancé, daughter and in-laws. I’ve been remarkably organised - but it wasn’t always this way.

Whenever I think about the Christmas of 1998, it sends a shiver down my spine. I decided to set myself a challenge and buy all my presents on 24 December (that’s right, Christmas Eve). I didn’t even have any idea about what I wanted to get anyone, I just thought I’d enjoy the buzz of getting everything at the last minute. I was working nights in a 24-hour shop at the time and finished work at 8am on Christmas Eve. Obviously it would’ve been crazy to get some sleep before shopping so I just went home to quickly shower and get changed. I then walked into town, fuelled myself with a full English and the mayhem began.

I walked into my first shop – British Home Stores – at 10.30am and immediately spotted a jumper for my mum. "This will be a doddle!",  I naively thought to myself. So I leisurely strolled around the stores, looking for suitable gifts. By 12pm, I still had several things to buy and the shops were getting ridiculously busy. My head was getting fuzzy through lack of sleep and wondering what to buy so I decided that a break was in order. I bought a sandwich and went to Penny Lane (then an amusement arcade, now a Christian bookstore) for a quick shot of the fruit machines. I had a wee gambling addiction at this period of my life so I couldn’t discipline myself to only have a quick break and didn’t leave there until 2.30pm. By now, it was getting difficult to move on Union Street or in any of the shopping malls. I picked up one or two little items but still needed to get something for my sister and my grandma. It’s now 3.30pm and one or two of the shops are starting to close early to reward their staff with an early finish. The sweat started to pour off me as I sprinted from one end of town to the other, unsure where I was headed, hoping for a final piece of inspiration. The last hour was a blur and I can’t remember anything I bought, but it all worked out in the end.

Relieved that I’d managed to get everything, I walked to the beach to meet my friend Chris, who planned to go into town to get his mum’s present after he finished work at lunchtime. We were meeting at another amusement arcade, as he had even more of a gambling addiction than I had. This cost him dearly as he was had spent all afternoon gambling away the money he’d planned to spend on a present for his mum. When I arrived, he had £20 left but all the shops were now shut. He wasn’t downhearted, as he planned to buy her a toaster from a supermarket. Unfortunately for him, all the supermarkets had shut early since it was Christmas Eve. All that was left was to go to a 24-hour petrol station and hope for some flowers. They didn’t have any so his mum woke up on Christmas morning to find some money in a card! At least he got the money changed from pound coins into a £20 note.

Being awake for over 24 hours took its toll on me and I fell asleep on the bus home, waking up well after my stop and having a half-hour walk home. My family were delighted with the gifts I had got them, and I vowed that I would never buy a present on Christmas Eve again.