The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inpire the most tedious moment of your week

It’s the best time of the year for making resolutions. Is it really? Really, really? Is it not a better time for sitting with your feet up, looking out at the snow, dreaming of one last sprout? Or putting your efforts into avoiding a Near Arse Experience as you skate your way to the pub for yet another festive drink?

This time last year I quit my job. It wasn’t a New Year’s resolution, the timing was a coincidence. When I got round to doing the quitting I was full of excitement. I had no plans, I could do anything I wanted. I was bursting with hopes and dreams.  Anything could happen, but what ever it was, it was new and exciting. The world was full of possibilities and I was ready to grab them all. Well, I was until I realised that I had to work three months notice. All my optimism and love for the world were deleted in one great “Hmmph!”. The world is not set up for spontaneity. You have to give notice before you do most things, like move house or change your bank account. You should consult your doctor before you change your diet or start exercise. I give myself a few days notice before I change my pants. In life, you have to mirror and signal before you manoeuvre. If you don’t have to give notice, you at least have to complete a lengthy risk assessment. Many New Year’s resolutions aren’t approved to start until March. You should probably start planning next year’s resolutions in July. I say, don’t be tied down by tradition, make your resolutions whenever the hell you like. As someone or other once said, “You can’t go back and start a new beginning, but you can start today and make a new ending” (or something equally profound and slightly more relevant).

I am well known for being hopeless at making decisions and so never put myself through the stress of making resolutions. The only resolution I have ever made, I have kept. That was when I was eight years old and resolved to stop taking sugar in my tea. The fact that I didn’t drink tea at the time should not take away from the achievement. I consider it a preemptive resolution. 

This year, just so I can feel part of it all, I am going to make one New Year’s resolution. Unless you can suggest something better, my New Year’s resolution will be to have more barbeques. This may not seem like much of a challenge. However, I don’t own a barbeque and I don’t even have a garden. So this barbeque resolution is tougher than you think, thank you very much. Of course, you clever sods might be thinking “easy peasy, just go to other people’s barbeques.” Well, I am a vegetarian and a pain in the ass, nobody wants me to come to their barbeque. Besides, I see this as a personal test, something I need to do for myself. Of course, I welcome any support and encouraging words. Despite my determination to succeed, this is going to be tough. I realise I have probably aimed too high. I fear I am destined to fail and be left to enter 2011 with an immense feeling of failure. I will never have the confidence to challenge myself or to try something new again. 2010 is doomed.

Happy New Year.