The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inpire the most tedious moment of your week
Let me start by pointing out that I’m 31, single and have no kids, so when asked to write about “Family”, a broad grin spread across my face when I reminded myself that I don’t have one of my own.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a part of me that would love to settle down, have the house, the wife, the kids and the big dog (none of your yapping handbag accessory dogs, a proper dog that barks and eats postmen that rarely turn up).
But there are two main reasons I’m happy I don’t have the family unit (yet).
The first is all the near misses I’ve had. Settling down would be easy, if I was willing to overlook the small imperfections in past girlfriends, like them emigrating and not inviting me, sleeping with their ex boyfriends, or being clinically psychotic (making fun of Britney Spears is no reason to smash my iPod). If I’d reproduced with these girls, my life would be a constant prison, with perpetual reminders of how much money a good box of condoms could have saved me.
The second reason is the people that do have kids. I have some friends that beam like lightsabers when they are with or talk about their partner/kids, but they are rare. Most people that have settled down, got married, bought the house and had kids, have the same thing to say; ‘Can you get me a gun?’. When they say they’re happy, look deep in their eyes, you can see they are broken, like a part inside has died. Like their dreams have been packed in a half finished Ikea box and filed under ‘never speak of again’.
I will one day settle down but for me it’s all about finding the person that is going to put up with all your good and bad habits for the rest of your life, and you theirs. So for now, don’t feel sorry for this 30 something singleton, rejoice for his life is his own and he has not cracked under society’s pressure to conform. Celebrate the fact he’s not settled down with an angry-lunatic-munter that broke his spirit, milked his seed and spawned children that she’ll eventually turn against him.
PS: I think I may have commitment issues.