The Bachelor: Competition To Win An All-Expenses Paid Trip To A Sports Star's Crotch

Channel 5 have recently premiered the UK's version of The Bachelor starring Welsh sports star Gavin Henson. Although it might seem like a high-concept series that could prove difficult to get into, it's pretty much just a gameshow where women fight each other to win a vagina that smells of 120 pound rugby player. 

Reality-dating has been around forever and is a televised version of what zoo keepers do with pandas. Shows like The Bachelor are the part of Reality TV that fell off in the shower. It's a testament to the cleverness of TV executives that they took the basic reality game format and mixed in all the exciting elements of dating and all the romance of buying a woman from a catalogue.

There are already around 3 million shows on TV right now where people are being covered in flesh-eating beetles for fabulous cash prizes, The Bachelor stands out by by making all these people women and having the prize be a man's crotch. 

Gavin doesn't seem like such a bad fellow for someone whose full-time job is having large men launch themselves at his face. He describes himself as 'shy' and 'romantic' which probably explains why he chose to try and find love in a show that revolves around slavery. Henson spends the majority of Episode 1 standing around looking awkward and sweaty while the women throw themselves at him with the sort of hungry desperation that suggests his dick might dispense Häagen Dazs and Johnny Depp movies. 

Collectively describing themselves as 'willing to do anything to be quickly married to someone rich and famous', the actions of the 25 girls actually manage to tear a hole through time and punch Abigail Adams in the face.

It's easy to look down on a show that is about 2 steps shy of being called 'Dance for My Pleasure, Bitch', but it's not all that bad. TV dating shows like Shot at Love and Take Me Out aren't supposed to be culturally meaningful, they exist simply as disposable entertainment to make us feel better about ourselves.
If you can confidently say that you aren't currently being auctioned off to a sports-star and you know what a Tila Tequila is without looking in a medical dictionary, you are already 100% better than any dating show. Well done.