Stars - July 2006
You're reading the horoscopes section. Wise up! It's time to sort it out and take a grip of yourself (no, not like that)
Cancer 22/6 – 22/7
That guy on the bus IS the axe-wielding, baby-eating psycho you feared he might be. Any eye-contact will instigate a chain of events that will lead to your certain and bloody demise, and can only be halted by politely informing him of his increasing body odour problem.
Leo 23/7 – 22/8
M is for Mayzin! It's all go for you this month. Live the dream! Your power animal is: a Gummi Bear.
Virgo 23/8 22/9
The reflected glow of Jupiter may or may not illuminate the solution to your financial woes. That's the thing about Jupiter, she always has to be so sodding vague. Why can't she just say, "Oi Mystic me old mucker, next week's lottery numbers are 2, 24, 18, 30, 12, 8." No, all we get is some cryptic pish that amounts to the square root of sod all. Oh, and if those are the winning numbers then I want halfers. Chin chin, darlings!
Libra 23/9 – 22/10
Where do those girls hide out during the winter? Take advantage of the summer evenings - you'll be thankful come those cold February Tuesdays when your only company is the local coffin dodgers and a pint of IPA in the Phoenix bar.
Scorpio 23/10 – 21/11
You thoughts are pulled in one direction, your desires in another. Your head is full of dreams while your words are selling yourself short. Ying and Yang are permeating your core. Acchh, stop talking such utter pish and just get on with it, eh?
Sagittarius 22/11 – 21/12
Recent actions may be gone but not forgotten. Did you seriously think you would get away with it? Kaptain Karma, she's coming to get you!
Capricorn 22/12 – 19/1
Being Hurley's body double does not a career make. No more cakes for you sonny. Things to consider: are Wagon Wheels smaller than they used to be and what ever happened to Spuggie?
Aquarius 20/1 – 18/2
An over indulgence on the disco biscuits makes for a painful Sunday lunch with Gran. "What's that dear, you're not hungryÃ‚Â…? My what big eyes you haveÃ‚Â… have you hurt your jaw? Another cup of tea dear..?"
Pisces 19/2 – 20/3
You're reading the horoscopes section. Wise up! It's time to sort it out and get take a grip of yourself (no, not like that). Life will change for the better from this day forth. Eat more egg pie.
Aries 21/3 – 19/4
A tricky month ahead. Definitely avoid any German-style bread, over-sized earrings and check for verrucas if you go swimming. Things to lament: the decline in quality of party balloons.
Taurus 20/4 – 20/5
If you really want to impress your boss then I'm afraid low slung tops and flashing a bit of leg while at the photocopier is the only way forward. I know he's a misogynistic, arrogant bastard but he does get to choose who gets promoted. Please note: this advice does not apply if your name is Graham.
Gemini 21/5 – 21/6
The secret to a long and happy life: Make hay while the sun shines, toast Jah while the moon beams.