Stars - April 2006

Aries March 20 - April 19
It's time to let those close to you know how much they mean to you, or how much they don't. Actually could be time for a completely new friends group, especially if you've already shagged most of your current friends. Lucky colour: Vermillion

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Dunlop shoes are in this season, sport them whenever possible. Word to Big Bird. Lucky colour: Orange

Gemini May 21 - May 20
Constant criticism is your friend. It makes you bigger, harder, stronger. Knock on a green door, it will make your day. Don't forget to leave the burning bag of shit though. Lucky Number: 69

Cancer June 21 - July 21
Find something you haven't worn in years and wear it all day, it will make you feel good. Honest. Remember to wash it first.

Leo July 22 - August 22
Would it really matter if you didnt go to work one day this month? Think what else could happen! Don't just sit in the pub though you sad sack.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Another day staying alive. Tell your father how you feel, and ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up. Ask yourself the same question. Lucky food: Cheese

Libra September 23 - Oct 22
Teach yourself poker. Get a beard, if you are a girl - a hat... and a beard. Dont worry about the sharks, you're not bleeding yet.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This month you will find yourself in a pickle. Dont fret, have an egg. It will bring you joy. Lucky colour: Brown

Saggitarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Tell an offensive joke about someone who isn't there. People will laugh and you will get away with being a prick - we know you don't really mean it.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Name your genitals and tell all your friends. If they haven't named theirs, get rid of them and find some who have.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 17
Go on, make his day and surprise him with a blow job. If you dont have anyone to surprise, buy a steak and enjoy.

Picsces February 18 - March 19
If you meet a man called Ian, buy him a drink and have a chat; he's your lucky charm. If you are already called Ian I hope you have a great week. You owe me several pints. Lucky colour: Grey