Stars - April 2008

Aries

This is your time to shine my Aryan brother. Throw the baby out with the bathwater and the bird out of the bush and the jobbie into the van and drive. All the way to that all night bakery on Morrison Street. Get yourself a steaming hot pie and stick your fingers in it. That's the stuff of magic. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Taurus

The sun may be setting over your sign at the moment, but that doesn't mean you're special. You're not.

Gemini

Patience is a virtue: let old people walk in front of you in their dawdling fashion this month. At least they have their memories. What do you have except an empty crisp packet folded into a triangle in your pocket?

Cancer

Remember that time you fell in the lake? If not, it will happen. If so, it will happen again.

Leo

You've never been one for the subtleties of social niceties, and this month will prove to be no exception. For god's sake get your fingers out of the butter, and don't, under any circumstances, mention the baby rat.

Virgo

Playing with one's wee man in public will only cause a disaster. Stop it.

Libra

This month will see you behave even more like a tortoise than ever before. Alas, you will never win against the hare, he has got the jump on you every time.

Scorpio

Jupiter and Uranus are playing darts this month, right slap bang in the middle of your sign, supping their pints and wobbling their flabby forearms as they send the little silver arrows spinning through the air of your consciousness and jabbing into your head. Ouch.

Sagittarius

As Mercury moves into your planetarium this month Venus will sulk and you'll get a tummy ache as a result. Drink plenty of juice and avoid olives stuffed with anchovies.

Capricorn

People around you might feign amusement this month but it's just an illusion. Beneath their encouraging smiles is the venom of a thousand snakes. It is time for you to take action. Poke them in the eye and run away.

Aquarius

Sometimes it's best to let others do the talking. Your chat at the moment is really not up to scratch. Shut it.

Pisces

On one of the islands in the middle of the sea they are seeing how many gonks they can fit in a lighthouse. This is your calling – go join in. I have heard that being squished up against other weirdos in a cylindrical building is one of your favourite hobbies.