STARS - June 2007

Gemini

Has your faith deserted you? Was it chocolate pudding? Oooh that'll stain! She's a bitch! Lucky jibe: "Fud pus!"

Cancer

Mars is re-stimulating itself into a solar eclipse and pumping up the risk factor in everything you do. Wear a helmet and rubber soled shoes. Lucky jibe: "You look like my Mum from behind."

Leo

"Dreams can come true: look at me babe ba biddy boo. You know you got to have them, you know la la la la la." Gabrielle knew what she was talking about. Today do one thing that you've wanted for ages whilst closing one eye to see from her perspective. Lucky jibe: "I'd make an awfae mess of that."

Virgo

Watching him watching you watching him makes you dizzy. Try talking to him. Lucky jibe: "Shit tits."

Libra

Lighten up the dark days with a glowing new outlook on life. Mars is fiddling with its bits which means things are on the up for you and whoever you care to take with you on this journey called life. Lucky jibe: "Hee haw baw jaw."

Scorpio

This month you will begin to build a bridge. When you finally get over it you can buy some tissues. Waaa waaa! Shut up! God. Lucky jibe: "Shut it biscuit ears!"

Sagittarius

Popping and breaking and all that other B Boy stuff is just like synchronised swimming but on land. In other words it sucks. Get a job and pull your trousers up. Unlucky legs: crazy.

Capricorn

These are tricky times on the friendship front. Everyone seems to have an issue don't they? Don't worry, because things will look brighter by the end of the week when you have a party and don't invite any of them. Shame you'll be the only one there. There's a message here somewhere. Lucky jibe: "Eh! Norma Nae Pals!"

Aquarius

Mars is floating across your money chart today leaving a great red skid mark as it goes. This means odds are in your favour and this week is a week for gambling! Get yourself down the bingo, the casino or just the puggy in your local pub. Now is the time to risk everything. Lucky jibe: "Ye tube!"

Pisces

Drinking is ruining your life. If you don't stop now you will lose all your pals. You know who you are. Lucky jibe: "Wash your Sunday face!"

Aries

Just like Jeremy Beadle's cock, things look better on one hand than the other. Try holding someone else's for a change of heart. Lucky jibe: "Smell yer Ma!"

Taurus

Mercury is big, red and shiny and its entering Uranus real slow likes. This could mean one of two things but you'll have to work that out for yourself. Lucky jibe: "You're sad, you're lonely and you're always there."