Stars - March 2007

Pisces

Give 'em an inch, they take a mile. Give 'em your kidney and they start singing A-ha's Take on Me in public. This month: hell is other folks.

Aries

Oh my stars! How am I supposed to be objective about my own future? I didn't think I wanted to be famous, but now, well, I suppose I'll have to get used to it. Miss Crane, let's get the car...

Taurus

You may think yourself some treacle-tongued tearaway who could sell boo to a goose, but actually people are just nodding and smiling. I am the spear of truth in the eye of your life.

Gemini

The cream rises to the top, they say. The top of what? If you've lost your bottle, a week on the Buckie should see you straight.

Cancer

It's not a pretty picture. But, looking in the mirror aside, things are looking up. Clearasil could be the icing on the, er, cake.

Leo

'The love you take is equal to the love you make,' cooed the Beatles. So, any ideas why no one likes you, wiseass?

Virgo

Virgo theorist Theodor Adorno once drew a parallel between reason-shy fascist politics and following horoscopes. Nazi bastard.

Libra

Shit. My girlfriend's a Libra. Surely you can't all be cheating this month. That's statistically nuts. I don't believe this for a second.

Scorpio

I don't care who you are, and neither do your stars. Only stars that care make a difference. Actually I kind of care. Still, that's probably not enough to live on.

Sagittarius

7/10 actually. I don't want to hear any more complaints.

Capricorn

Like a single fact in a world of false hopes, you're pretty dull really. This month you can have fun by lying to people about stuff.

Aquarius

This month your stars are all acid hallucinations - so you can do whatever you want and fly and shit. April will probably be ropey, mind. Stock up on tinned starfruits.