Feature by Billy Crystal | 12 Nov 2006

Gemini (the eclectic)
On first glance Thursday will appear bad. Return the favour by being bad to the day - mock friends and push grannies. Power word: bosh.

Taurus (the pushover)
Eat cheese late on a Tuesday and write down your dreams. Live by these random pictures until I say so. Lucky crustacean: hermit.

Virgo (the bulb hunter)
Flirt with someone ugly to make yourself feel superior. If someone flirts with you ignore the copy of The Skinny in their hand and play hard to get. Lucky feeling: woe.

Cancer (the floating dancer)
Take a day off work and don't feel guilty. No one notices your presence so what have you got to lose? Who said that? Lucky day: the one after tomorrow.

Sagittarius (the hollow whisper)
Relationships will be tested as you pursue anti-social behaviour. Make the most of it by ignoring road signs and cries for help. Lucky stuff: asbestos.

Leo (the cardboard fiend)
Yesterday was a shambles so make up for it by throwing marmite at vagrants. They may love it or hate it but everyone hates a vagrant. How ironic. Lucky pseudonym: cocknose.

Scorpio (the magic dancer)
The moon has got it in for you this week so don't venture outside after seven. If necessary carry a copy of Heat magazine and hum like you're pig ignorant. Lucky saying: "cerebral is so overrated."

Aries (death's watchman)
The earth seems flat for a substantial time. Spend this period wisely by moving large objects and precious tit-bits uphill. Danger animal: chaffinch.

Libra (everyone's burden)
Lets face it, a three legged frog and a plethora of rabbits feet couldn't save you from fate's cruel grip. Give up now and bite down hard. Poignant moment: now.

Capricorn (the double header)
Jupiter rallies behind you and your French counterparts. Look for the one eyed Ian to restore faith in the unfaithful. Their blood is on your hands. Lucky colour: taupe.

Aquarius (the lacerated loveboat)
"Familiarity breeds contempt" is not a phrase used lightly. Repeat it constantly to colleagues and friends until they take themselves to a quiet place and bother you no more. Best friend: you.

Pisces (mother's hayday)
Drastic as it seems your first instinct was correct. Go about your business without touching it and no one will be any the wiser. Best finish off the nurse to be sure. Half measure: pint.