MTV Hates Teenwolvery

Blog by Fred Fletch | 30 Aug 2011

It all started last week while posting on a Werewolf-Fan-Forum (My second favourite internet pass time next to bombarding NASA with emails relating to Buck Rogers and a 'Possible Rescue Missions'.) The topic of the day was 'Who is the coolest werewolf?' and with almost 398 votes for a certain 'Remus Lupin'* I felt that it was my Michael-J-Fox'ly-duty to point out how wrong they were and that Teen Wolf demanded a recount. The reaction was so resoundingly negative, the collective explosion of fists hitting keyboards could have been heard 5700 miles away by deaf people in Japan.

The internet is an amazing thing. It has connected the world, enabled entirely new forms of social interaction, shared ideas, changed history and subsequently allowed a crazy person to send me lycanthropic-themed hatemail. Thanks to social networking, Jeffrey, a big commenter on the site, contacted me to explain how much of a werewolf he totally is, how much he hates Teen Wolf and exactly how much of me he intends to eat.

I wasn't worried by the email, more confused. Judging the author's profile, if it were actually possible to be transformed into a supernatural creature via its magical bite, Jeffery must have been attacked by a walrus and/or a beanbag full of cake-mix. Despite most of his email comprising of references to parts of my body he could probably fit in his mouth, Jeff made a surprising argument regarding the terribleness of Teen Wolf. As far as I was concerned, ever since teenagers were invented, being a Teenwolf was pretty much the greatest thing to be other than a Teen-Breakdancer, a Teen-Ferris-Bueller or a Teen-Back-To-The-Future. I was shocked and dismayed until my computer ran his email through a 'crazy-to-English' translator and revealed that what he was actually talking about was the 'new MTV series' and not the original movie that, for the record, is still fucking amazing.

So I watched the show.

Congratulations MTV. You took the term 'Teen Wolf' and changed its definition from 'radical basketball party animal' to 'creepy Lacrosse playing weirdo'.

Teen Wolf has a long established history of being the greatest anything ever. The terms 'Teen' and 'Wolf' conjure images of keg-buying, civil-war-reenacting, beer-can-biting, basketball-playing, van-surfing radical awesomeness and are exactly the words you hear right before a party spontaneously explodes or you have sex with me. MTV has ruined this. Teen Wolf will no longer go hand in hand with heart-warming life lessons and tubular slam dunks; it will now eternally be associated with some shirtless asshole whose powers include, 'listening to your private phone calls' and 'touching your face'.

Thanks to movies like Twilight and Underworld, the quintessential 80s movie about growing up and wolfing out has been transformed into 12 episodes of brooding, chest-waxed guys staring breathlessly at each other. Hilariously the show has a strong pro-celibacy message/metaphor playing out which works well since MTV has finely crafted the dialogue to kill your genitals.

Jeffrey, you illiterate, wolf obsessed lunatic. I may not believe that you are actually an unkillable creature of the night, but I fully support your hatred for New Teen Wolf.

(*which incidentally I believed to be the name of the thing my girlfriend won't let me do to her)