Fringe Dog's Christmas Gift Guide

The Christmas gift guide for humans on a budget, as curated by Fringe Dog

Feature by Fringe Dog | 07 Dec 2018
  • Fringe Dog's Christmas Gift Guide

you eat a wallet once and people will forever say you dont understand money .

but you know that money is not the only way to give this christmas .o boy ,you can always afford to think dog !!!

let us start with a basic item :

idea #1 wrappin paper

o boy controversial opinion :in my experience wrappin paper leave very little to imagination .last year we wrapped up uncle piper in novelty paper but aunty katie guesses it was him straight away !!!

to truly keep loved ones in suspense for presents i humbly suggest alternative to wrappin them in paper— bury all gifts in garden !!!

o boy i guarantee anyone who find nothin under tree , who has to go out diggin up treasures ,will have 5star surprise on christmas morning !!!

idea #2 adopt a radioactive dog

your family tree might be full of old fruits who voted ever so very differently to you in the referendum ,and they want to chat to you all about it while passin around the gravy boat !!! o boy ,be kindly, with families it take work for everyone to get along !!!

now ,how would you feel if your family was a pack of abandoned dogs left to roam a nuclear wasteland ???

if you were a dog In chernobyl you'd be descended from exactly such dogs ,left there 32 years ago after nuclear power disaster .

but o boy great news !!! the new generation of dogs-- your generation- are not quite as radioactive as their ancestors !!! they still a little bit radioactive ––especially their fur– that to be expected ,but the brillant nonprofit clean futures fund is helpin these dog relocate !!!

why not help your relative sponsor a slightly radioactive dog leave the nuclear exclusion zone ??? that way you now have special dog in family and can talk to relative with enthusiasm about a leave campaign you support !!!

idea #3 park

turns out you can give someone acres of land for absolutesly nothin !!! just take them out on christmas day to a park .they can use it whenever they wish and maybe walk their radioactive dog there !!!

now ,you're thinkin: but the park isnt free ?!?

as ever I have to congratulate you on being brilliant and right

it even better than free : you've already paid for the park with council tax !!! council tax is like a wonderful christmas club where no one runs off with all the funds —except maybe some naughty councillers ,o boy !!!

idea #4 pavlov's bell

now if you want to keep christmas on a budget ,and food waste down ,this is a very economical way to do it .

all you need is "pavlovs bell'

it amazin psychological bell that famous behaviourist ring to dogs at food time. the mere association with food meant dogs salivated with big hunger just at the sound of ding-ding !!!

to keep costs down , offer to cook christmas dinner .  then, at one o'clock simply ring bell and all your friends and family will come runnin in for meal exactly as if youd actually cooked one !!!

uh oh ,it high frisk strategy !!!

but just as they hold their empty tummies and shout "why do you persecute us ?!!" you shout back "surprise !!!!" and you lower down remnants of peanut butter in jars ,corn on cob, delicious meaty chunks and gourmet banana skins .o boy , yum yums !!!

its a bit of a crass christmas prank, like christmasy crackers joke, but o boy follow these tips and i promise this will be one unforgettable 5star christmas ,generous in a different way

love from fringe dog