Finding Bigfoot (They Don't)

I love the Animal Planet Network. 

Launched in 1997, The Animal Planet Network originally consisted of 24 saccharine-filled hours of cute and fluffy animals that could fool you into thinking you'd accidentally just tuned into a menopausal woman's screensaver. 

Despite the overwhelming demand for an entire channel dedicated to giving its audience diabetes, Animal Planet relaunched in 2008 with a new 'edgy' vibe that guaranteed that the only time you'd ever see a Panda cub was if it was being fired out of a cannon at a shark.

With shows like Animal Cops, Animal-Attack and Animal-Face Off, the new Animal Planet aimed to educate viewers on exactly how much of nature wanted to kill them and how much of it they should be afraid of. (Answer: ALL OF IT.)

Exploitative as it had become the channel still retained its integrity, creating genuine and passionate shows focused on our planet and the creatures we share it with. No matter how insane their shows sounded they were all based in reality and were honest in their documentation of animals... Until now.

Apparently after 15 years of producing high-quality documentaries about animals that zoologists confidently classify as 'actually real', the Animal Planet Network has decided to branch out into a new, exciting sub-species, defined by science as 'total fucking madness'.

FINDING BIGFOOT 

The series consists of 7 hour long episodes in which four self-proclaimed 'Sasquatch-Experts' are given several video cameras, night-vision goggles, 2 cars and around 17million acres of not-Bigfoot-filled forest to not find Bigfoot in. 

The 4 spend each episode scouring forests, swamps and mountains around America in search of a creature that couldn't be more unreal if it tried. SPOILER: THEY DON'T FIND HIM. Inter-spliced with interviews with 'Bigfoot witnesses' and 'terrifying reconstructions' of Bigfoot'ery, the show is the biggest waste of everyone's time since Punching Dracula and Blowing Nessi.

As far as producing 'genuine evidence' of the existence of an impossible-ape-monster, the show offers several obligatory 'blurry video images' and photos. I'm no 'Abominable Snowman Expert' but I'd speculate that there are around 274648393087477383billion things on this planet that 'sort of look like Bigfoot' if you are drunk and/or educationally subnormal enough. Now, If you take this figure and subtract from it the number of things in the world that are 100%-NOT-Bigfoot, the answer you get is roughly: INFINITY-NO-BIGFOOTS.

Episode one concluded with a statement from team's lead 'Squatch'pert'. With rainbows in his heart and water on his brain, 'BoBo' looked straight into the camera and said with such unmockable sincerity: "I think the reason Bigfoot is so difficult to find is because he just can't be caught."

I quietly nodded in agreement before flipping channels to watch Flavor of Love 2.